


restart

by burrfication



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 41,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25686739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burrfication/pseuds/burrfication
Summary: Alexander has a very satisfying life. His career is nothing but promotion after promotion, and he has a group of friends he values above all else. Really, the only spanner in the works is his coworker, Aaron Burr, the most vexing man on the planet.At least, until he gets hit by a car, and forgets most of his life. At least the man who saves his life is hot. Alexander might not have any clue where he is or why he's bleeding, but he is very certain he's going to work his way into this stranger's life, and ideally into his bed.Or: the set up for a generic modern AU, except Alexander loses his memory about five seconds in. Healing is a slow and painful process, but he makes new friends along the way.
Relationships: Aaron Burr/Alexander Hamilton
Comments: 126
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know how I said I was done with this fandom? I lied. I had 75% of this AU sitting already written, and I decided I might as well finish it and share it. 
> 
> Content warnings include car accidents, hospitalization, and PTSD. If you need more specific warnings, just let me know.

Alexander’s blood boiled.

Anger flooded in his veins like a drug. There were a lot of people in life Alexander hated, but in that moment, he was certain he had never hated anyone half as much as he did Aaron Burr. Worse, Burr did not seem fazed in the slightest. Burr’s face was calm and impassive. It was only when Alexander leaned in close enough to see the pores in his skin that he noticed the flash of irritation in his dark eyes, and he took a vicious satisfaction in knowing he had unnerved him.

“You’re scum,” Alexander snarled. “Fuck. It would be bad enough if you believed the argument you’re making, but you don’t, do you? You only got promoted because you’ve been sucking Jefferson’s dick. What favours did you do for him? You know what, I don’t want to know. You’re amoral. You’re dangerous. You’d sell out the entire firm if you thought it would help your career. Don’t expect Washington to fall for your lies for much longer. You’re lucky he hasn’t fired you yet.”

Burr said nothing. Alexander hissed out a parting shot (“coward,” he said, and relished the tiny flinch it earned) and turned away.

“Alexander,” Burr said as he walked away, but Alexander ignored him. He stepped out onto the road.

“Alexander,” Burr said again, and this time his voice rose a pitch. Annoyed, Alexander turned back. There was a flash of red. He could hear Burr screaming his name. Something heavy slammed into him. As Alexander soared through the air, it occurred to him he ought to be worried about the peculiar angle of his legs. It did not seem pressing in the moment. He was distracted by the hammering of his heart and the dizzying spin of the world around him. Before he could worry, he felt his head hit the concrete. He had just enough time to feel a jolt of panic before everything went dark.

His chest burned. It felt as if something heavy had settled over his chest, pushing all the air out of his lungs. Pressure pounded against his skull. It felt as if someone had tied a vise around his brain and was slowly tightening the loop, squeezing his brain.

Something slammed into his chest. No air left his lungs, and it occurred to him that it was because he wasn’t breathing. He gasped. His first inhale made a horrible wheezing sound, but all he cared about was the cool air rushing into his lungs. The pressure in his brain eased, but as it did he noticed a much sharper pain in the side of his head. In fact, now he could think enough to notice it, everything hurt. After his head, his legs were the worst. He considered trying to look, but decided against it. Short of being on fire, he could not conceive of what could cause such pain, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that naievity to end.

“Alexander. Alexander, can you hear me?” a voice said. For a second he wondered who Alexander was, before he realized it was him. He opened his eyes, curious to see who was talking to him. He blinked a few times in the sunlight before his eyes focused. When they did, he gaped. The most beautiful man in the world knelt by his side. Perhaps that should have surprised him, but Alexander thought it made perfect sense. The man had the voice of an angel. It only made sense that he should be as handsome as one, too. He considered for a moment that he could actually be an angel, before dismissing the idea as fanciful. As he stared, the man shifted his hands from Alexander’s chest and took his hand.

“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

Alexander did so. Relief broke over the man’s features, and a gorgeous smile spread across his face. Alexander smiled at the sight. He would challenge anyone not to be swept away by the sight of this man’s smile.

“Are you my boyfriend?” he asked hopefully. The man snorted and shook his head.

“Very funny, Alexander. This isn’t the time for jokes.”

That was a no, then. Nevertheless, Alexander refused to be discouraged. “Would you like to be?”

The smile on the man’s face faded and sank into a tight frown. Panic pooled in Alexander’s gut. Had he said something wrong?

“Alexander,” the man said slowly. “Do you remember my name?”

Alexander stared blankly at him. “Should I?”

“Let’s not worry about that for now,” the man said, but his voice shook when he spoke. “The ambulance is on it’s way. You’re not allergic to any drugs, are you?”

“I hope not,” Alexander said. “My legs don’t feel nice. And my head feels funny.”

The man nodded. “I’m going to check your head now. You're bleeding.”

“Will you tell me your name first?”

The man hesitated. “Aaron. My name is Aaron.”

“Aaron,” Alexander said. He then repeated it several times, trying out the vowels and enjoying the way the word felt in his mouth. As he did so, Aaron placed his hands gently on Alexander’s head and moved his hair to one side. Alexander felt something trickle down his forehead, and when it rolled over his nose he saw it was blood. He watched it drip off his nose. “Huh. That’s probably not good.”

Aaron exhaled. “No. I – I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any bandages, or equipment, or - “

Each word came quicker than the last as panic consumed him. Alexander reached out and caught his hand, threading their fingers together. “Hey.”

If nothing else, it had pulled Aaron out of his panicked spiral. He looked at their joined hands, then at Alexander’s face. “What are you doing?”

“Distracting you. You’re panicking, and that’s probably not good for either of us. Talk to me. Tell me about us. How do we know each other?”

Aaron hesitated. “We’re – friends. Coworkers.”

As reluctant as Aaron seemed to share anything with him, Alexander kept pestering him for information. Despite everything, he was curious – not just about himself, but about Aaron. He soon learnt that they were both lawyers, working in one of the most prestigious law offices in the city. That astounded Alexander. While he was certain he had been to university, he could not remember even one second of it. He had hazy memories of an office space, but he could not have guessed what he did there.

Before long, Alexander was thoroughly enamoured with his companion. Despite Aaron’s insistence that they were just coworkers, Alexander could not conceive of a world where he had not fallen head over heels for him. He was perfect. After the third time Aaron insisted there was nothing going on between them, Alexander had a horrible thought.

“I’m not straight, am I?”

That startled a laugh out of Aaron. It was a small sound, but it was enough to make Alexander feel as if he had been filled with golden sunlight. Even if he did turn out to be allergic to drugs, he thought, all they’d have to do was get Aaron to laugh, and Alexander would surely forget everything else.

“Straight people aren’t the enemy, Alexander,” Aaron said, a teasing note in his voice. That gave Alexander a new concern, one almost as depressing as the first.

“Are you straight? Is that why you won’t go out with me?”

“For the love of – no, Alexander. I’m bi, and I’m not going out with you.”

“Are you at least single?” Alexander wanted to know. If he was single, Alexander still stood a chance. For a few seconds, Aaron was silent. The only sound was the steadily encroaching wail of the ambulance. It was only as it screeched around the corner that Aaron nodded.

“Yes, I’m single, but I’m not having this conversation now.”

The ambulance slowed as it approached the two of them. A team of paramedics jumped out and rushed to Alexander’s side, taking measurements and checking his wounds. He endured it with good grace until one of them pulled Aaron away. As soon as he was out of Alexander’s reach, Alexander made a sound of distress and reached out for him. A second later he felt a sharp sting in his arm. As opiates started to flow through his system, Alexander found he had trouble keeping his eyes open. Nevertheless, he mumbled Aaron’s name like a mantra. He returned to Alexander’s side when he was lifted onto a gurney. Alexander grasped his hand as tightly as he could.

“Don’t leave me.”

To Alexander’s delight, Aaron agreed. The paramedics allowed him into the ambulance. Alexander kept a tight hold of his hand the entire time. The flashing lights and sudden noises of the ambulance hovered between surreal and hyperreal, but Aaron was reassuringly constant. As they drove, Alexander told the paramedics how Aaron had taken care of him until they arrived. Aaron protested, but Alexander simply talked over him. If they understood how important Aaron was to him, they might let him stay when they otherwise would not.

Alexander was whisked away from Aaron at the hospital. They took him to a white room with silvery-green curtains separating dozens of beds. He watched with alarm as they attached a wide array of medical devices to his arms and chest. The machine behind him beeped alarmingly, and Alexander covered his eyes and groaned. Everything was too loud and too bright. It made the pain in his head agonizing, and he swallowed down the urge to vomit. Someone tugged one of his arms down and slid a needle in just below his elbow. 

Shortly after that, the pain faded, along with Alexander’s worries. He did not lose consciousness, but he found himself unconcerned with all the hustle and bustle around him. He could not say how long he drifted there. Doctors came and went, each one subjecting him to a battery of tests. Some just asked him questions, while others asked him to perform simple tests of coordination or logic. They asked him a great many questions about how he had been hurt. He could tell them nothing. They asked him what colour car had hit him, and Alexander told them he didn’t even remember being hit. They asked him what part of the city he had been in, and Alexander had to admit he didn’t even know what city they were in. The first thing he remembered was the feeling of Aaron’s hand in his own.

Worst of all, they put him through an MRI. Alexander hated every second of it. The white plastic walls pressed in on him like the walls of a coffin. The confined space was almost unbearable, and the droning and grinding of the magnets made him flinch despite strict orders to stay still. When it was over, he decided he had had enough of being a good patient.

“I want Aaron,” he told the nurse. “And more drugs.”

“Mr Burr is with the police at the moment, but I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” the nurse told him. Burr, Alexander thought. There was something about the name Aaron Burr that felt as if it should be familiar, but he could not put his finger on it. While he struggled to figure out what it was, the nurse assured him his other request was feasible. The doctors had concluded rest could only help his condition, and so they planned on giving him enough painkillers to help him sleep. Alexander responded that it would be impossible for him to sleep, but less than half an hour later he did.

He woke to the sound of strangers arguing. Keeping his eyes shut, he eavesdropped on every word. It quickly became apparent people were arguing about him. He opened his eyes and examined each person in the room, hoping for a spark of recognition. None came. There were half a dozen people in the room, all of them wearing identical worried looks. When they noticed Alexander was awake, silence fell. The man nearest to Alexander dashed to his side.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, putting a hand on Alexander’s shoulder. Alexander looked at the point of contact with thinly veiled alarm. To the stranger’s credit, he retracted his hand. Alexander considered the question, cataloguing every point of pain and discomfort in his body. It added up to a lot, but the fog around his brain kept the urgency of the pain at bay. He was more concerned by the group of strangers surrounding him. Using the remote by the bed, he tilted his bed so that he could almost sit up.

“Why are you here?” he asked. “Where’s Aaron?”

“Aaron?” the stranger echoed, baffled. Someone else said,

“Wait, do you mean Aaron _Burr_?”

Alexander nodded. “He promised he’d visit. He said he’d be here when I woke up.”

A few people exchanged dark looks. One of them spoke up.

“I wouldn’t count on anything Burr said, son.”

The words could not have been more perfectly chosen to rub Alexander the wrong way.

“I’m not your son,” he snarled, putting all of his vicious bitterness behind the words. He was not in the mood to be kind to people who insulted his friends. Worse still, he had insulted Alexander’s pride. Alexander was a grown man, not some child to be looked down on. And then there was the matter of his father. Did this stranger know that Alexander’s father had abandoned him as a child? Did he care?

Someone choked on a laugh, which did nothing for Alexander’s temper.

“I don’t even know who the hell you are. I don’t know who any of you are,” he shouted. “What makes you think I even want you here?”

Several people started talking at once, but one woman spoke over them. “Alexander has a point. The doctors warned us he might not recognize us, but none of us bothered to introduce ourselves.”

Alexander jabbed a finger in her direction. “You are the only person here that has made any sense so far.”

“Thank you. I’m Angelica, and this is my sister, Eliza. We’ve been friends for three years now.”

One by one, the rest of the room introduced themselves. The man who had positioned himself closest to Alexander was John Laurens, allegedly his closest friend. They had been roommates in their first year of college, and inseparable ever since. Alexander quizzed him for several minutes, and he showed an impressive knowledge of Alexander’s childhood. He could recall the major details with ease, and more than once clammed up and refused to say anything when Alexander hinted at more sensitive topics. All evidence suggested he was trustworthy. If nothing else, Alexander trusted that John would take his side in any arguments that may occur.

Alexander did not even try to remember the names of any of the others until they came to the man who had called him ‘son’. The name Washington suited the man, Alexander thought. It was the kind of name with generations of privilege and arrogance behind it. When Alexander asked him how they knew each other, he said,

“I’m your employer, but I’d like to think I’m your friend.”

“You’re not,” Alexander said, before he could even think about the consequences. The room fell silent. Instead of the comfortable chatter of the group before, the only sound that Alexander could hear was the beep of his heart-rate monitor. It was an inconvenient addition, as the rapid beeping gave away just how nervous he was. Despite Washington looking like Alexander had slapped him, Alexander continued,

“I’m not your friend, and I’m not your son. I’m your employee. Is it even legal for you to be here?”

“I - “

“You know what? I don’t even care. If you fire me for kicking you out now, I’ll tell the press exactly what kind of man you are. Get out.”

The silence that followed was deafening. Washington open and closed his mouth several times without sound coming out. When he did speak, his voice was steady, but he could not hide the grief in his expression. “If you need me at all, my details are in your phone.”

“Alexander, is this necessary?” one of the others asked. Alexander raised his eyebrows and stared him down. When the door shut behind Washington, Alexander didn’t even blink.

“If you feel that strongly, you’re under no obligation to stay. I didn’t ask you to come.”

“But - “

“Lafayette,” Laurens interrupted. “Drop it.”

Pleased, Alexander reached out and patted John on the arm. “You can stay. I don’t mind you.”

John tried and failed to smile, and for the first time Alexander found himself wondering if this was difficult for his friends. If they were as close as he claimed, it could not be easy for John to handle Alexander forgetting him. It was hell for Alexander. Dealing with even one of the strangers would have been exhausting. Instead of one, there were six of them, all watching him with the hope that he would magically remember who they were. Never mind that Alexander was the one who was injured. He was the one with his legs frozen in casts, unable to move even an inch. He was the one with a three-inch long cut on his head. And most importantly, he was the one with memory loss. They ought to be taking care of him, not expecting him to put up with their emotional baggage. 

He conceded that John had at least tried, but his performance had been dismal. Lafayette made no such attempts. He launched into a tirade, insisting Washington was both a good man and Alexander’s friend. When he ignored John’s attempt to get him to stop, Alexander looked at the buttons beside his bed. One was labelled as pain relief. He pressed it, and very soon he found himself floating on a wave of hazy bliss. The only person who noticed was Angelica. She nudged her sister with her elbow, and Eliza leaned a little closer.

“Are you okay? Do you need the doctor?”

“He won’t shut up,” Alexander said, staring at her with wide, imploring eyes.

“You asked for morphine because of Lafayette?” Eliza asked. Her lips pressed together in disapproval, but there was a spark of amusement in her eyes that won Alexander’s forgiveness. Alexander nodded earnestly.

“He’s annoying. I shouldn’t be expected to suck up to the boss when I’m in hospital, and that’s all I’d ever have been doing with Washingmachine – Washton - what’s his face. You’re not friends with your _boss_ ,” Alexander said, and made a noise of disgust for emphasis. “And he called me son.”

When he looked back, he found his audience staring at him. Lafayette and John exhanged a worried look.

“It’s worse than I thought,” Lafayette said in french. “He - “

“He still speaks French, you idiot,” Alexander interrupted. “And I can hear you perfectly well.”

“You’re not acting like yourself, Alexander,” Lafayette said. “It’s not just the amnesia, or the drugs.”

“I’m acting perfectly rationally for someone in my position,” Alexander argued. “I’ve got a bunch of strangers in my room telling me how I have to behave and who I am. You don’t care about who I actually am. Whoever I was before is gone. You’ve lost whatever Alexander was willing to suck up to your boss. All you’ve got is me, and I’m on too many drugs to be nice to people I don’t like.”

“You - “ Lafayette started, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. A moment later, it opened a crack – and to Alexander’s delight, Aaron stepped in. There were dark shadows under his eyes, but despite that, he looked much happier than before. At some point, Alexander assumed, he must have gone home. The blood was gone from his hands, and he had changed into a clean suit. He must have a personal tailor, Alexander mused, as the fit and cut flattered him perfectly. A moment later, he smiled at the incongruous thought. Aaron’s dress sense was a minor detail, but it felt good to focus on something positive.

“Excuse me,” Aaron said, and then noticed the crowd. He straightened his spine and said, “I didn’t realize your friends were here. I’m sorry for interrupting.”

“No, no, I want you here,” Alexander said eagerly. When Aaron only took a small step forward, Alexander patted the bed beside him. When Aaron still hesitated, Alexander gestured more insistently. “Come on. My hospital room, my rules. Bed. Now.”

Looking rather sheepish, Aaron crossed the room and took the offered seat. Except for Laurens and Eliza, all Alexander’s so-called friends glared at him. Alexander’s estimation of them dropped a little further. This was no time for petty jealousy.

“I take it you haven’t remembered anything, then,” Aaron said. The words were cautious, but there was no judgement in his tone. That alone was enough to make Alexander’s heart sing. He reached out and took Aaron’s hand in his own, lacing their fingers together.

“I remember holding your hand,” he said slyly, giving Aaron the most seductive look he could manage. Aaron cringed. He pulled his hand away and set it in his lap. Across the room, he heard Lafayette cursing in French. When the cursing switched to insults, Alexander’s temper snapped. Using his free hand, he pointed. “You. Out.”

“But - “

“He’s only trying to help,” Aaron said quietly. Alexander shook his head so hard the room seemed to spin. Once the sensation faded, he said,

“You haven’t been here. He’s done nothing but undermine me and defend my asshole boss since I woke up. I may not remember anything, but I know what I want.”

“I’m not questioning that,” Aaron said. “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you. I won’t tell you what to do, but please don’t jump to any conclusions about anyone. I’m sure you’ll get along much better once you’re out of hospital.”

The words were not exactly what Alexander wanted to hear, but they were at least focused on what he wanted. “If I promise not to hate him, will you hold my hand?”

Aaron sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “If I agree to this, you’re not allowed to hold it against me later.”

“Deal,” Alexander said, reaching out and snatching Aaron’s hand. He let out a small hum of delight as he twined their fingers together. He rubbed his thumb over the skin on the back of Aaron’s hand, enjoying how smooth his skin was to touch. “We should hold hands more often. You have nice hands.”

“What I want to know,” Lafayette said, “is why Alexander remembers Mr Burr better than any of us.”

Beside him, Aaron stiffened. The change would have been imperceptible to anyone else, but this close, Alexander could feel his weight on the bed shift. His grip on Alexander’s hand tightened, and his eyes fixed on the wall.

“I was there for the accident. The car - “ Aaron broke off. He started to shake, and his eyes darted around the room before fixing back on the wall. “We were arguing. He didn’t see the car coming.”

“Did you?” Lafayette asked, and the room burst into argument. Most people, Alexander was pleased to see, took offense. For his part, Alexander started to paw at Aaron’s pockets. It took Aaron a moment to notice what he was doing, too busy staring at the wall in a trance. When he did notice, he furrowed his brow in confusion.

“What are you doing?” he asked quietly.

“Looking for something to throw at the french fuck,” Alexander said.

“I’d really rather you didn’t,” Aaron said. He took Alexander’s hand and held it in his own, keeping him from searching for ammunition. As restraints went, this was something Alexander could accept. Nevertheless, he argued.

“He hates you. Why don’t you hate him?”

“You and I have had plenty of arguments, Alexander. I’m sure you’ve given your friends ample reason to mistrust me.”

That made Alexander frown.

“John,” he said, but the man ignored him. He tried a couple more times before Aaron squeezed his hand and murmured,

“I think most people call him Laurens.”

“Laurens,” Alexander tried, and that got his immediate attention. “What have I told you about Aaron?”

Laurens glanced at Aaron and cringed. “I’m not sure I should be repeating it.”

“Laurens – may I call you Laurens?” Aaron asked. Laurens nodded, and Aaron continued, “Alexander has never kept his opinions to himself. Whatever he’s said to you, I’m sure I’ve heard it before. Given the circumstances, I won’t take offense to hearing his complaints repeated.”

At length, Laurens said, “You say he’s cowardly and manipulative. You described him as a bootlicker, once. You’re usually competing for the same cases, which doesn’t help, and he gets on with other people you hate.”

“Wow,” Alexander said. “I’m an asshole.”

“He’s never said more than that?” Aaron asked, curious. Laurens shook his head in agreement.

“He was more poetic in his phrasing, but that’s the gist of it.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I’ve heard it plenty of times,” Aaron said dryly. “I’m amoral, a disgrace, dangerous to the integrity of the firm - “

“Aaron, baby, no,” Alexander interrupted, staring at him with wide eyes. “Don’t say that. Just because I’m an asshole doesn’t mean I was right.”

Aaron snorted. “You’ll change your tune when you remember me.”

Alexander shook his head. “I don’t think so,” he said slowly. “You didn’t need to help me so much. You could have left when the ambulance arrived. You could’ve been mean when I asked if you were my boyfriend. But you didn’t, and you stayed, and you’re here, just because I asked you to be. That doesn’t sound like an amoral man to me.”

“He has a point, you know,” Laurens said. Aaron’s eyebrows rose, but a tiny smile tugged on the corners of his lips.

“We’ll see. It would be nice if we could go back to being friends.”

The door slammed shut. The sound made Alexander jump, but when he looked up, all he felt was relief. Lafayette had gone.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause trouble,” Aaron said. He moved to stand up, but Laurens put a hand on his shoulder to hold him in place, while Alexander clung onto his hand as tightly as he could.

“This isn’t your fault.”

“I want you here, and I’m the one that matters right now,” Alexander added. That startled a snort of laughter out of Aaron.

“You always think your opinion is the one that matters,” he said. The words might have been a complaint, but there was a hesitant undercurrent of affection there that surprised and delighted Alexander. He may have hated Aaron, but he was beginning to think the feeling had not been mutual.

At that point, a nurse came in to check on Alexander. She tutted in disapproval at the number of guests he had. It was, she insisted, against hospital policy to have so many visitors at once.

“They made an exception in light of Mr Washington’s donation history, but if he’s gone, you’ll have to follow the rules. It’s not even visiting hours. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.”

Laurens and several of the others argued. There was enough desperation in their pleas that Alexander felt his heart wrench. They may be strangers, but they were strangers who loved him. He opened his mouth to join the argument, but Aaron shook his head. He smiled at Alexander, winked, and then stepped over to the nurse with the most charming smile Alexander had ever seen. He spoke politely, praising her adherence to policy and obvious concern for her patients. The others tried to interrupt, but at Alexander’s request, Laurens kept them quiet. Angelica muttered something uncharitable about Aaron to her sister, and Hercules glared at his back. From the frown on Laurens’ face, he was no happier than the others – but he was, at least, willing to give Aaron a chance.

Once Aaron had won the nurse’s esteem, he switched tactics. He told her all about Alexander’s anxieties, and how he was, apparently, afraid he would forget his friends again if they left him.

“Perhaps a couple of us could stay with him? I’m sure one or two people won’t get under your feet.”

Alexander watched as the nurse wavered. And then: “Two people. And you’re to wait outside while I do my job.”

“Thank you,” Aaron said with a warm smile, and ushered the others outside.

The nurse watched them leave before turning to Alexander with a disapproving look on her face. “Did you even want them here?”

“I liked Aaron being here,” he said. “And John – I mean, Laurens, he was alright.”

“I’ll tell the rest to leave,” she said. She made a few notes on the chart at the end of Alexander’s bed. She checked the IV in his wrist and asked him a few questions about how he felt. 

Before she left, two doctors came in to check on him. When he asked when he could leave, neither would give him a straight answer. The neurologist told him it depended on how his recovery progressed over the next few days; her companion was more concerned with the rest of his injuries. His legs had broken when the car had struck him, and there was extensive damage to his lower back. They had booked him in for surgery first thing in the morning, but a surgeon could only do so much. He would need a brace and a wheelchair for at least two months. From there, he would start the slow and painful process of physical therapy. No matter how much Alexander begged, pleaded or cajoled, the doctor insisted there was nothing he could do to speed up the timeline. Alexander’s body would heal at its own pace. He had no choice but to be patient and wait.

Once the medical experts were done, the nurse went out to fetch Alexander’s friends. When he heard raised voices outside, he knew she had told them who he wanted. But after a few minutes of arguing, it was Aaron and Laurens who came in to see him. They remained by his side until he fell asleep, secure in the knowledge that he could trust the people around him.


	2. Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention weekly updates? I've got this whole thing written, so I'll be updating about once a week.
> 
> disclaimer: I have no experience with the american medical system and hopefully never will, so we're just glazing over some details here

The next day passed in a blur. After everything Alexander had been through, surgery did not seem even remotely frightening. He spent several hours afterwards in a fugue, dazed by the drugs and content to sit and let time slip by unnoticed. It was only in the late afternoon that he sobered up enough for the nurse to allow him visitors. Instead of the whole parade of strangers from the day before, only the Schuyler sisters visited today.

“We’ve worked out a system,” Angelica told him. “You’ll have someone visit every day.”

“When’s Aaron coming?” Alexander wanted to know. When Angelica did not answer, he looked to Eliza. She cringed at the expression.

“We didn’t ask him,” she admitted. “I don’t know if he’ll visit again at all.”

Alexander’s face fell. He did not bother to hide his dismay, but he did allow the Schuyler sisters to try to distract him. He pestered them for information about his life. Some of what they had to say he found very hard to swallow. The more he heard about himself, the less he wanted to remember his old life. Even though they told the stories with great affection, Alexander could not ignore the fact that he sounded like an asshole. He kept his suspicions to himself, but he could not shake the feeling that he did not deserve the concern people were showing him.

The sisters were evicted at five o’clock, leaving Alexander alone with his thoughts. He stared mulishly at the television until he remembered he was not entirely without connection to the outside world. His phone lay on the table beside his bed. A green light flashed repeatedly in one corner, indicating he had missed notifications. The phone unlocked as soon as he pressed his thumb against the screen. There were 23 missed calls, including several from those he had met the day before, and countless messages. As he swiped away the notifications, a new one popped up.

BURR >>> I tried to visit, but visiting hours ended thirty minutes ago.

ALEXANDER >>> Tomorrow?

ALEXANDER >>> I miss you. The Schuylers visited but I still don’t know who they are.

It took nearly fifteen minutes for Aaron to reply. While he waited, Alexander changed his contact name from ‘BURR’ to “AARON <3”. When he did reply, it was with good news.

AARON <3 >>> I’ll bring you something to read. How are you feeling?

ALEXANDER >>> Weird. I don’t know what drugs they gave me, but they’re not strong enough.

AARON <3 >>> Call the nurse and ask for something to help you sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.

The promise of a visit cheered Alexander considerably. He followed Aaron’s advice, and while the nurse would not give him any more painkillers, they did promise to give him something after dinner. His meal that night was an unappetizing pile of chewy pasta, a wilted salad, and a cup of fruit in jelly. Alexander forced it all down. When the promised drugs were added to his IV, he breathed a sigh of relief. He was tired of dozing between consciousness and nightmares as he had done all evening. With any luck, the drugs would put him out until the following morning.

To his delight, Aaron showed up the next morning at nine o’clock on the dot. He brought with him two novels, a politician’s biography, and an empty notebook and pen. It was the last item that excited Alexander the most.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed writing,” he said. Aaron chuckled.

“I think I do. You write even more than you talk.”

“At least that hasn’t changed,” Alexander said with a sheepish smile.

“Some things never do.”

They passed the morning in pleasant conversation. Once again, Alexander interrogated Aaron about his life. This time, Aaron gave each answer a few seconds of thought before replying. Each reply was a puzzle in itself, with enough information to intrigue Alexander, but enough clever wording to hide things Aaron wanted to keep private. He was reticent to speak about his love life, and he would not tell Alexander any details of their relationship. It drove Alexander mad. Whenever Alexander managed to extract a morsel of information from him, he grinned and crowed at the victory.

By noon, Alexander knew the names of Aaron’s closest friends, as well as where he had gone to college, which authors he preferred to read, and where he had last gone on holiday. He had shared only hints of his political opinions, but Alexander was determined to learn more. He had shown remarkable insight into several social areas, and that was enough to have Alexander begging for more information.

“If I’m going to get by, I need to know what the political situation is,” he argued.

“There’s a difference between the political situation and my personal opinion on specific legislation.”

“But I trust your opinion,” Alexander wheedled. Aaron gaped at him. After several moments he shut his jaw, but his eyes were still wide with shock. His reaction only further cemented Alexander’s fears that his natural state was reprehensible. If Aaron was so shocked by Alexander’s endorsement, Alexander must have questioned and undermined him too many times to count. When Alexander’s face fell, Aaron recovered. With a rueful smile he said,

“Please, Alexander, it’s nothing personal. I’ve never liked airing my political beliefs. I believe there are better ways to effect change.”

“It’s not that,” Alexander shook his head. He watched Aaron’s brow pull together in befuddlement.

“Then what?”

“You were surprised I wanted your opinion.”

“Ah,” Aaron said. “I did tell you we had a tendency to argue.”

“Admit it,” Alexander said. “I’m an asshole.”

The silence after continued too long to be comfortable. At length, Aaron said,

“We used to be friends. You made it very clear when you changed your mind on that, but I’m still not sure why.”

“Maybe I’ll get over it,” Alexander said hopefully. “I mean, you’re being nice to me now. Surely I won’t just forget that.”

“That would be nice,” Aaron said, but the wistful little smile on his face told Alexander he did not believe it would happen. Alexander’s heart sank further.

Shortly after lunch, John Laurens entered the room carrying two coffees. His eyebrows rose at the sight of Aaron sitting by Alexander’s bedside.

“Burr? Don’t you have work?”

“I took some personal time off,” Aaron said. “It’s not the best time, but I’m sure Mr Washington will understand.”

Alexander snorted at that. “Unlikely. He’s an asshole.”

Once again, Aaron stared at Alexander in shock. Even when Alexander explained that his boss had had the audacity to show up in his hospital room, Aaron did not seem to understand. As he talked, a horrible idea occurred to Alexander. If Washington was Aaron’s employer, then Aaron deserved to know what Washington had said about him.

“He hates you,” he said bluntly.

“Oh, I know that,” Aaron said. It was Alexander’s turn to be surprised. He could not understand how Aaron could be so blasé about his employer's opinion. Before he could pester Aaron for more information, Laurens sighed and handed Alexander one of the coffees.

“You can have this if you promise not to talk about Washington anymore.”

Alexander hesitated, but took the cup. “I have a very specific coffee order. You probably got it wrong.”

“Probably,” Laurens said with a smile that did not meet his eyes. Alexander took a sip. His eyes widened from the second the coffee touched his lips. It was perfect. He stared at the coffee for a few seconds, then looked at Laurens. Despite his attempt to smile, he looked utterly miserable. His eyes glimmered, and Alexander realized abruptly he was close to tears. Guilt wrenched in Alexander’s heart.

“Sorry,” he said. “Apparently I’m an asshole. But you probably already know that.”

The soft grief in Laurens’ face faded, replaced by something much harder. His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. “Who told you that?”

“No one used those words,” Alexander shrugged, “but I’m not an idiot.”

“You’re not an asshole, or an idiot,” Laurens said. “What stories have people been telling you?

“You can be divisive, when you want to be,” Aaron said carefully. “But I wouldn’t call you an asshole.”

“Yeah, well, I would,” Alexander grumbled. Laurens and Aaron exchanged a worried look. After a moment, Aaron put a hand on Alexander’s shoulder.

“If you were an asshole, I wouldn’t have taken time off work to visit today.”

Alexander considered the point. It was not as convincing as Aaron seemed to hope it was, but it was enough to get him to stop to think.

“At the moment, you’re casting judgement based off rumour alone. I thought you were smarter than that,” Aaron continued. Alexander winced. If nothing else, Aaron knew how to get under his skin.

“Fine. I’ll think about it.”

“I’m sure Mr Laurens has plenty of stories proving otherwise,” Aaron added.

“Only if you drop the ‘Mr’,” Laurens said. Aaron nodded in agreement and Laurens took the seat beside the bed. With a little bit of urging from both Aaron and Alexander, he shared stories about his life and the Alexander he knew. The picture he painted was far more flattering than anything else Alexander had heard. Listening to Laurens, one would think Alexander was some kind of hero. He was reckless, yes, but Laurens presented that as brave; he was passionate and committed to justice; and most of all, he was loyal to a fault. If even half the stories were true, Alexander could not be the monster he believed himself to be. He had flaws aplenty, but there was enough good that he need not be wholly ashamed.

When Laurens’ voice started to turn hoarse, he shifted attention by asking Aaron once again about the accident.

“You didn’t get to say much before,” here Laurens hesitated, “before the argument broke out.”

“Before that French fuck interrupted,” Alexander translated. Both Laurens and Aaron winced, and Alexander made a mental note to keep more of his insults to himself.

“Well,” Aaron said. His hand clenched into a fist and unclenched several times. His voice was level and even, but his gaze was distant as he spoke, and he flinched at every loud noise. “We were arguing about my recent promotion. Alexander made some uncharitable comments about how I got promoted. I’m still not sure if he was being facetious when he accused me of sleeping with my direct supervisor.”

The last part was accompanied by something that was almost a smile, as if there was something amusing about the accusation. Alexander did not see the punchline.

“Are you?” Alexander asked. When Aaron looked blank, he clarified, “Sleeping with your boss.”

That earned a small snort of laughter. “No. I’d sooner be fired than sleep with Thomas. But you were very upset.”

Relief flooded through Alexander’s system. The idea of Aaron sleeping with someone to get a promotion was a thought he did not want to contemplate. Nevertheless, he frowned at Aaron’s response.

“That’s no excuse.”

“We’ve all said foolish things when we were angry,” Aaron said. “Maybe if I hadn’t let it get to me, you wouldn’t be hurt.”

Alexander stared at him. “Aaron, I can only remember the last three days, but I’m pretty sure that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“I wasn’t thinking,” Aaron shook his head. “When I saw you step out on the road, my first thought was to insult you. I didn’t even think to check for traffic! And then you walked - you stepped - the _car_...”

Aaron trailed off. His pupils dilated as he stared at the wall, his expression blank and distant. Not knowing what to do, Alexander sent a pleading look in Laurens’ direction. There was a frown on his face, but to Alexander’s relief, he did not seem angry. As Alexander watched, Laurens leaned forward and put a hand on Aaron’s knee. He squeezed it and said,

“Burr, have you seen a psychologist yet?”

Aaron tilted his head to look at Laurens. For a few seconds he only stared at him, then he shook his head. “I couldn’t get an appointment for three weeks.”

It was as if a storm cloud passed over Laurens’ face. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Then, in a voice that was jarringly kind, he asked,

“You’re with the same employer-based health insurance as Alexander, aren’t you?”

Looking baffled, Aaron nodded. Laurens squeezed his knee one more time before leaning back in and pulling out his phone. He punched in a few numbers and lifted the phone to his ear. Within seconds he was tapping his foot and rolling his eyes. Aaron glanced sideways at Alexander, clearly hoping for an explanation, but Alexander had no more idea what was going on than he did. After a few minutes, he waved a hand at them.

“Talk. I’m sorting things.”

“Do you have any idea what he’s doing?” Aaron asked Alexander quietly. Alexander shook his head. He offered a few ideas as speculation, none of them serious. He had hoped one of his ridiculous suggestions might make Aaron laugh, but all he managed to get was a weak, shaky smile.

Nearly thirty minutes later, Laurens’ call connected. Both Aaron and Alexander fell silent to eavesdrop.

“I’ve got a patient here that needs urgent mental health treatment. What are his options in the next 24 hours?”

There was a pause as the person on the other end spoke. Whatever they were saying, it had Laurens scowling and shaking his head.

“Let’s try this again. I’m Doctor Laurens. I have a patient who requires immediate counseling. Either you give me a list of shrinks to call, or you transfer me to someone who can.”

He was put on hold again. The same conversation played out three times before he was transferred to someone with the confidence to try and deny him outright.

“Look, buddy, it’s your choice,” he said. “Either you pay for a lifetime of treatment for PTSD, lose my medical network, and get sued to hell and back, or you get me a psychologist who can deal with acute trauma within the next twelve hours.”

There was another pause. A satisfied smile spread over his face at whatever he heard.

“We all make mistakes,” he said, sweet and saccharine and and dripping with sarcasm. “Who’ve you got for me? No, not Dr Bell, he’s a jackass. O’Heally? I said acute trauma, weren’t you listening? He won’t know what to do, he specializes in general anxiety. Is Dr Glenn still in the network? Get her. I don’t care if she’s got a month-long waiting list, she’ll damn well make an exception. You sort out your end. Let me talk to her.”

Throughout it all, Aaron kept trying to interrupt. Whenever he did, Laurens shushed him. If that didn’t work, he would lean over and put a hand over Aaron’s mouth. The first time he did so, Alexander laughed aloud at the look of shock on Aaron’s face.

The last person Laurens spoke to he approached very differently. He was respectful, even deferential, and gave her a very brief overview of the situation. When the call ended, he turned to Aaron and said,

“You have an appointment at six o’clock. I’ll drive.”

“But - “

“I don’t want to hear it,” Laurens said. He tapped the center of Aaron’s forehead with one finger and said, “This here? It’s scrambled. You need first aid almost as badly as Alexander does, or your brain won’t be able to put itself back together after the psychological trauma you’ve experienced.”

“I would have seen someone eventually.”

“That’s not good enough,” Laurens shook his head. “Look, I’m a GP. Mental health isn’t my specialty, but I know the basics. This kind of thing is time sensitive. I wasn’t exaggerating when I told that cunt you’re staring down the barrel at a lifetime of PTSD if you don’t get help. This is no different to any other kind of injury.”

Aaron stared at him, and Alexander could have sworn he saw tears in the corners of his eyes. “Okay. I’ll go.”

“That’s the spirit,” Laurens said, patting him on the cheek before leaning back in his chair. “If you have any problems, you tell me. I’ll sort it.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” Aaron asked. There was a plaintive, baffled note in his voice, as if the idea of someone interfering on his behalf was entirely foreign to him. Alexander’s heart twisted in sympathy. He knew all too well what that felt like. The idea that someone he cared about was in the same boat was not a comforting one.

“I look out for my friends. And after all you’ve done for Alexander these last few days, you’re one of them.”

Aaron looked stunned. After several seconds he managed to thank Laurens, but he stumbled and choked over the words. Laurens pretended not to notice. To ease the heavy atmosphere, he launched into a story of other, more extreme things he had done for friends. Within a few minutes, the tension had gone from Aaron’s expression. A shy little smile started to reappear, and less than an hour later he had begun to laugh once more. The sound of his laughter filled Alexander’s chest with a light, floating feeling. Maybe it was the opiates talking, but being confined to a hospital bed with his two favourite people was no hardship at all.

Both Laurens and Aaron left at the same time that evening. On the way out the door, Laurens promised Alexander he’d personally see to it that Aaron got the care he needed.

Over the next two weeks, Alexander’s health slowly improved. He found himself able to go longer and longer without painkillers. After a week, they allowed him brief spells in a wheelchair rather than confined to bed. He was so elated at the chance to get outside his hospital room that he did not even think to complain about the restrictions. On sunny days, he would convince his guests to help him through to the garden. It was a small space with a few scraggly plants and an abundance of smokers, but it was Alexander’s only exposure to greenery and sunlight.

Although his memories did not return, his head injuries began to heal. The awful nausea and dizziness that plagued him faded, and he found himself able to reason more clearly. Even the cut on his forehead began to heal. He was horrified when they brought in a mirror to show him the progress, but Aaron and Laurens assured him that his hair had been cut after the accident, not before. Nevertheless, Alexander mourned the loss of his precious hair and complained bitterly at every opportunity. He only stopped when Aaron gave him an appraising look and said,

“I don’t know, I think you look rather dashing with it shorter.”

Alexander was not sure dashing was an adjective real people used to describe people they were attracted to, but a compliment was a compliment. He would take what he could get. Now that he was thinking and behaving rationally, he had no more excuses to demand Aaron’s affection. This he considered a great loss, because his crush had not faded in the slightest. If anything, it had intensified. At first, he had been won over by nothing more than good timing and good looks. Now, though he found himself steadily falling for Aaron as a whole. He found himself falling for everything from his dry sense of humour to his extraordinary intelligence. The first time Aaron defeated him in debate, Alexander stared at him with open adoration and more than a hint of lust. There were few enough people who could keep up with Alexander, let alone beat him at his own game. If circumstances had been better, Alexander would have called it fate that they had met. Surely there could be no better match for him than someone on his own level.

Despite his rapidly growing crush, Alexander toned down the flirting as time went by. More often than not, it did not have the desired effect, causing Aaron to pull away from him rather than swoon into his arms. If he was to win Aaron over, he would have to play the long game.

When at last news came that Alexander was to be released from hospital, he could scarcely contain his excitement. He whizzed up and down the hall in his wheelchair, doing laps to burn off the excess energy. When Aaron and Laurens stopped by for their daily visit, he delivered the news with a beaming grin. Aaron seemed as elated as Alexander was, but Laurens was less enthused. When Aaron asked what was wrong, he shook his head.

“I should have thought of this. Alexander’s apartment isn’t wheelchair accessible. It’s a tiny. The elevator breaks all the time and the fucking bed is up a ladder. Mine isn’t that bad, but it does have steps, and the bathroom is tiny.”

Alexander deflated. Lethargy started to creep into his limbs, and he found himself keenly aware of how much energy he had just burned in his wheelchair. “So I’m stuck?”

“My place is fully accessible,” Aaron said. Laurens shook his head.

“Aaron, we can’t ask you to - “

“I’m offering,” Aaron interrupted. “Listen, it makes sense. My place doesn’t just have no stairs. It’s _accessible_. My best friend uses a wheelchair, so I redid the whole place years ago. The bathroom, the kitchen, all of it.”

Laurens still looked skeptical, but at Aaron’s urging he caved.

“You can come over for dinner on the first night to make sure Alexander has everything he needs,” Aaron offered. Laurens accepted, and the plan was made. Alexander would be released from hospital the next day.

The next morning, Aaron picked Alexander up from hospital at 9 o’clock on the dot. Despite living in New York, he drove a large enough car that he could easily fit Alexander and his wheelchair in. For once, Alexander did not pester Aaron with questions. Instead, he stared out the window with wide eyes, drinking in the sights of the city. New York was glorious. Skyscrapers blotted the sky as far as the eye could see, and every new block held some new wonder. Even if it was grey and dingy and smelly, it was beautiful in Alexander’s eyes.

Aaron’s home turned out to be everything he promised. The hallway was wide enough for Alexander to maneuver, and in all the rooms the furniture was spaced widely enough to leave room for him. The bathroom came equipped with two sinks, one of which was at the correct height for Alexander. The walls were lined with railings, and the entire room was large enough to turn in a wheelchair without difficulty. The kitchen had a similar lay out: the bench was split in two, half of it at the perfect height for Alexander. For things that couldn’t be split in two like the stove and the oven, they were still set slightly lower to the ground than was conventional. The same philosophy was carried through the rest of the house, with one exception. The set of stairs leading to Aaron’s bedroom and private study was a sharp departure from the rest of the house.

The last room they visited was the guest bedroom. Like the rest of the house, it had been designed with the comfort of wheelchair users in mind. The window looked out into a little courtyard. One of the raised flowerbeds sat right beneath the window, providing a little touch of nature to the room. A queen bed took up most of the room, and one wall was lined with built in wardrobes. It was easily the most luxurious room Alexander could remember staying in. At the foot of the bed was a neatly folded towel and key. Alexander stared at the key in astonishment.

“If you’re going to be staying here a while, I don’t want you feeling like you need my permission to come and go,” Aaron said. “I’ve got one ready for Laurens, too, so if you need help when I’m unavailable, you can contact someone you know.”

“You thought of everything,” Alexander said, awed.

“I’m sure there’ll be something for you to complain about,” Aaron said, and led the way through to the living area.

“I just don’t understand why you’re being so nice,” Alexander admitted. “You said we don’t normally get along.”

“We were friends, once,” Aaron said. “I’d like to be again.”

“We are friends,” Alexander said firmly. The smile Aaron sent him in response was too wistful for Alexander to think he believed him, but it was a start.


	3. Fashion

To Alexander’s delight, Aaron had arranged to work from home for several days.

“I’m lucky Thomas was kind enough to let me work from home,” Aaron told him on the day he was discharged. “We’ve been swamped lately. Washington’s suddenly started giving us nearly twice as many cases as usual.”

He spent the rest of the afternoon crouched over his laptop at the kitchen table. Alexander was left to his own devices. At first, he was simply content to roll his chair around the house, revelling in the opportunity to move around and set his own schedule. When he tired of that, he wheeled over to the bookshelf and pulled out a book at random. After a few pages, his eyebrows shot up. Of all the people to fill their shelves with feminist literature, Aaron wasn’t someone Alexander would have expected. He watched Aaron with amusement for a few moments. The amusement shifted rapidly to affection, and he forced himself to look away. Scowling at himself, he returned his attention to his book. If he was to live with Aaron, he needed to get over his foolish crush.

At five o’clock, Aaron packed his laptop away and put his bag on a shelf near the front door. With a tap his phone, music started to play from speakers around the room. He grinned when Alexander started.

“Not a fan of jazz?”

“Not expecting you to have speakers built into the walls,” Alexander countered. He turned down the corner of the page he was on and put the book on the table. “You’re done for the day?”

Aaron nodded. “Ordinarily, I’d work a little longer, but with Laurens coming over, I wanted to get started on dinner.”

“At five?” Alexander asked skeptically. Aaron gave a snort of laughter.

“Don’t start. We’ve worked together for years, and I’ve never seen you bring lunch from home. I already know you can’t cook.”

“But Laurens isn’t coming until seven,” Alexander insisted.

“Cooking takes time,” Aaron said with a shrug. He pulled a cookbook off the bookshelf and flipped to a recipe stained with brown and yellow stains. “I can teach you, if you’d like.”

“What are you making?” Alexander asked.

“A Thai recipe,” Aaron said. With a crooked smile, he added, “After all the hospital food you’ve eaten, I thought you’d appreciate something with a little flavour.”

“If I ever see another fruit jelly cup, I might be sick,” Alexander admitted. Aaron laughed. He kept up conversation with Alexander as he worked, measuring and chopping and grinding spices. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Alexander was recruited to help. Fortunately, Aaron was smart enough not to trust him with anything difficult. He was given a stack of vegetables and a large knife, while Aaron dealt with all the fiddly details. By the time they had everything added to the pot to simmer, Aaron was a mess. Turmeric stained his fingers , while something brown had dripped over his sleeve. He just laughed when Alexander pointed this out and excused himself to shower and change. With nothing better to do, Alexander returned to his book.

The doorbell rang before Aaron returned, so Alexander opened the door. Laurens stood on the doorstep with a large suitcase.

“I took the liberty of getting your things,” he said. “I brought all your favourite outfits. Also, I watered your plants. The fiddle leaf Eliza got you last year is dead, but I think I managed to save the rest.”

“You have a key?” Alexander asked curiously. He shifted to one side so Laurens could enter, then led him through to his room.

“Given how much time we spend at each other’s houses, it made sense,” Laurens said with a shrug. He let out a low whistle when he saw the luxury Alexander had been afforded.

“Damn, you weren’t kidding when you called him a rich asshole. This place is nice.”

Alexander winced. Another thing to put down in his ever-growing list of faults. Before he could complain, Aaron’s voice drifted through from the kitchen.

“Alexander? Can you lend me a hand in here, please?”

“You go,” Laurens said, waving him off. “I’ll unpack for you.”

Alexander nodded. He made his way through to the kitchen, only to stop and stare when he saw Aaron. When he had said he was going to change, Alexander had not expected him to dress well. He had put on suit pants and a button-up shirt. The deep purple pants ought to have looked ridiculous, but somehow Aaron made it work. It helped that the clothes fit well, lying flat against the curves of Aaron’s body.

Alexander’s thoughts normally came as rapid-fire sentences, dozens at once, overlapping and battling for attention. At the sight of Aaron, he found his mind empty of everything but a few disconnected words. His eyes lingered on where Aaron had rolled up his sleeves to his elbow, and the word ‘forearms’ drifted through his mind, heavy with implied desire. It took him several moments to get a hold of himself. Once he had re-established order in his mind, he joined Aaron in the kitchen.

“There you are,” Aaron said with a smile. “If I pour some drinks, can you set the table?”

Alexander nodded, and Aaron started on the drinks. Instead of pulling out a bottle of wine or beer, he crafted an elaborate alcohol-free drink in three crystal glasses, each garnished with a bit of dried orange. At Alexander’s confused look, he explained,

“You’re still on opiates, Alexander. We’ll have to wait to break out the champagne.”

As tempting as it was to argue, Alexander knew Aaron well enough by now to judge when arguing would get him nowhere. At least he was also forgoing alcohol in an act of solidarity. A part of him hoped Laurens would argue on his behalf, but unfortunately he gave a nod of approval when Aaron explained himself.

“See, this is what I like about you, Burr. You’re sensible,” he said, taking his drink with a nod of thanks. “I don’t have to worry about you doing anything stupid.”

Aaron laughed. “I have a few friends I think would disagree with you, but I’ll take the compliment.”

“Now you’ve got me curious,” Laurens said. “Do share.”

Aaron hesitated for a moment before starting his story. By the end, all three of them were laughing too hard to even tease him about his mistakes. But the story broke the ice, and conversation flowed easily for the rest of the evening.

The curry turned out to have been worth the effort. At the first mouthful, he considered the very real possibility that he had died and somehow ended up in heaven. As far as Alexander could remember, he had never eaten anything that tasted so good. He would have to find some way to convince Aaron to cook for him more often.

In addition to pleasant conversation, Aaron and Laurens worked out a schedule to ensure someone would be with Alexander non-stop until he was off opiates. Neither of them had especially flexible jobs, so it was a challenge to find a routine that worked. Alexander’s protests that he would be fine alone were ignored. There were, Alexander was discovering, downsides to being friends with a doctor, and Laurens’ insistence he follow certain medical guidelines was one of them.

To Alexander’s dismay, fatigue started to pull at the corners of his attention span long before the night was over. He nodded off at the table over dessert. After being gently shaken awake for the third time, he conceded that Aaron’s gentle (and Laurens’ blunt) hints that he ought to be in bed may have a point. Leaving the others at the table, he took himself through to bed and was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow. Two hours later, he heard the sound of the front door closing, but he fell back asleep before he could think anything of it.

The next morning, Alexander revelled in the luxury of a private shower. The shower stall was wide enough for Alexander to wheel his chair right in to the shower before transferring himself to the elegant stone shower seat. It took him longer than he liked to admit, but he refused to ask for help. After days spent in hospital without a shred of privacy left to him, he would not give up any of it now. He took his time once in position, scrubbing what little remained of his hair and letting the hot water run down his back. Once clean, he spent thirty minutes in front of the mirror fiddling with his hair, trying in vain to find a style he liked. None of them worked. There was nothing Alexander could do to fix his hair but wait.

His troubles continued in the bedroom. When he opened the closet door, he stared in horror at the array of clothes Laurens had provided. It seemed like every last piece of clothing was black. It took Alexander another fifteen minutes to find an outfit he could bear, only to discover the jeans he had chosen were impossible to get on in his current state. Frustration welled in his chest. He threw the jeans across the room, ignoring the ‘thud’ they made when they hit the wall. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, and he felt a familiar stab of self-loathing. When had he become so weak? Dressing himself should not be enough to undo him, yet here he was, crying over pants.

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. “Is everything alright? It sounded like something fell.”

“I’m fine,” Alexander snarled. Panic seized him and his heart pounded in his chest. He couldn’t let Aaron see him like this. But to his immense relief, the next sound he heard was Aaron’s footsteps in the hallway. He breathed a sigh of relief. The fresh oxygen brought with it other comforts as Alexander slowly began to calm. After some time, he felt sensible enough to choose a pair of pants that looked less attractive but far more comfortable. Putting them on was still no easy feat, but he managed it.

Out in the kitchen, he found a full breakfast and fresh coffee ready and waiting for him. Guilt wormed its way into Alexander’s heart. After all Aaron had done for him, the least he could do was be civil.

“I shouldn’t have shouted,” he grumbled.

Aaron only shrugged. “You’re going through a lot right now. I’m sure it won’t become a habit.”

“I still shouldn’t have,” Alexander grumbled, but Aaron ignored him. Instead, he simply passed Alexander the maple syrup and started on his pancakes.

After a few minutes of silence, Alexander shared a little of what had upset him so much. “Laurens said he brought my favourite clothes, but they’re all black.”

“You do tend to wear a lot of black these days,” Aaron told him. With a wry smile, he said, “So do I. It comes with the territory of being a lawyer, I think.”

“I hate it,” Alexander said. “How am I meant to live like this?”

Aaron looked at him thoughtfully. “You know, I believe one of your friends is a fashion designer. I’m sure he’d be happy to help you add some colour to your wardrobe.”

“Which one is it?” Alexander asked mulishly.

“Mr Mulligan. Hercules Mulligan, I think.”

Alexander looked bewildered. “The fuck kind of name is Hercules?”

“I believe he chose it,” Aaron said. There was a note of caution in his tone, and Alexander made a mental note not to push the topic.

“Oh,” was all he said, until he understood a moment later. While changing names was not unusual, there was one very obvious reason changing a name could be a sensitive issue.

“Oh,” he said again, with very different intonation. Aaron tried and failed to suppress a snort of laughter.

“Yes. Oh. If you’d like, we can invite him over tomorrow.”

Alexander agreed, and Laurens was contacted to arrange the meeting. He was delighted at the news Alexander was willing to see more of his friends. Instead of sharing his excitement, Alexander found himself with a rising reluctance to go ahead with the meeting. No matter what Aaron claimed, it was clear Alexander’s friends had expectations. They wanted the friend they knew, not the man Alexander was. How was he supposed to relax around them when they watched him with such hope, as if any second now Alexander would laugh and tell him it was all a joke? It was too much to bear. 

He spent the day dreading the visit. He painted a smile the next morning when Aaron left for work, but once he was alone, he felt his anxiety spike. He did laps of the house, trying to burn off his nervous energy.

When the doorbell rang, Alexander considered ignoring it. It took all his courage to open the door, and he did not even try to look happy about it.

“No memories yet?”

Alexander shook his head. Without missing a beat, Hercules stuck out his hand to shake. “I’m Hercules. I’ve been trying to get you to incorporate some colour for years, you know. Maybe that crash knocked some sense into you.”

Laurens elbowed him in the ribs for that remark, but Alexander found himself smiling. Maybe the day would not be so sombre and serious as he had feared.

He led his guests through to the living area. He put on a pot of coffee to brew and rifled through the cupboard until he found some snacks that looked promising. As he did so, he complained bitterly about the clothes Laurens had brought. It was hard to believe any version of Alexander would choose such dull and boring clothes. He was quick to add that this was not Laurens’ fault, but that it was a grim omen for Alexander’s future.

“You’re just used to dressing for work,” Hercules said. “Now that you’re taking a break, you can think about what you actually want to wear. What’s your priority?”

“Hats,” Alexander decided. He reached up and ruffled a hand through his hair and shuddered at the light, bouncy feel of short hairs shifting back and forth. Unfortunately, Laurens took that as a cue to lean over and do the same until Alexander ducked away, scowling and swatting at his hands. Laurens grinned unrepentantly.

“I’ve never seen it so short, I can’t help it.”

“You’ve never seen it short because I don’t like it short,” Alexander grumbled.

Laurens grinned wickedly. “You’d like it if Aaron complimented it.”

Alexander flushed. He spluttered a few times in protest, causing Laurens to laugh at him.

“You should have been more subtle. I’m your best friend. It’s my right – no, my obligation! - under the constitution! - to bully you about this kind of thing.”

“That’s not - “ Alexander started, before realizing arguing about the technicalities of the constitution would only land him in deeper trouble. Despairing, he asked, “Am I really that obvious?”

“Alexander, you asked him out at least four times a day when you were on stronger painkillers,” Laurens said. “You’ve toned it down now, but I know you. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you this far gone over someone.”

Alexander’s face fell. He had done everything he could to deny his interest in Aaron, and when that had failed, he had done everything he could to hide it. He had counted on Aaron assuming Alexander’s early behaviour was wholly due to the drugs he was on. The idea that Aaron might be aware of Alexander’s continued interest was humiliating. Alexander ducked his head and avoided eye contact. He kept his gaze so fixed on the floor that he did not notice when Laurens stepped around and rubbed his shoulders.

“Ease up, Alexander. I can tell because I know you. And I’ve only known Aaron for a couple of weeks, but I’d eat my hat if he knew.”

“You’re sure?”

“Alexander,” Laurens said with a smile, “we’re talking about a man who didn’t believe romantic love existed until he was 23; a man who confuses anger and attraction when he’s drunk; a man who managed to get kicked out of a queer Halloween party for accidentally leading half a dozen men on and starting a brawl. So no, I don’t think he’s noticed you staring at his ass every time he turns his back.”

“Wait, hold on a second,” Hercules interrupted. There was a grin on his face, and when he spoke, laughter threatened to break out with each word. “Was this last Halloween? The one in the warehouse with the stripper poles and espresso martinis on tap?”

“Aaron did say something about his friend having to drag him away from the poles,” Laurens mused. “It’s a hobby of his.”

“Wait a minute,” Hercules said, and reached for his phone. Alexander barely noticed. His mind whirled in circles, chasing thoughts of Aaron poledancing. He felt his face flush. It was an idea he would have to pursue at a later date, with more privacy (or at very least without Laurens openly laughing at him).

Hercules presented his phone to Alexander and Laurens, showing them a photo from the event’s official webpage. While the photo was nominally of the whole dancefloor, the focus was set to one man. His face was covered by a mask that left only his mouth uncovered, concealing his identity. His identity was close to the only thing concealed: he wore no shirt, and the pants he wore clung tightly to his skin. The camera had caught him mid-move as his spine curved and his muscles flexed, painting a very flattering picture of his body. It was hard to imagine Aaron in such a situation, but Alexander could not deny the resemblance. The man had Aaron’s height and build. It was not conclusive proof, but Alexander could not say for certain it was not Aaron. If nothing else, the man in the photo shared the ability to render Alexander speechless.

“Damn,” Laurens said. “I knew poledancing was good for the abs, but if that’s what it does, I might have to take it up.”

“Think it’s him?”

“Send me the photo and I’ll ask him,” Laurens said. Hercules agreed, and before Alexander could stop them, they had sent a message to Aaron asking for confirmation. Alexander cringed in embarrassment. At this rate, even Aaron would figure out Alexander had an excessive interest in him.

“Can we please get back to work?” Alexander asked hopefully. Hercules and Laurens agreed, and they spent the next few hours scrolling through different websites and contemplating different styles. Many of the fashions seemed strange to Alexander, but Hercules guided him through. By the time lunch rolled around, he had picked out three shirts and a dozen odd accessories.

For lunch, the three of them visited a local cafe Aaron had recommended. They stayed there for much of the afternoon, ordering coffees and snacks to keep the meal going. As enjoyable as it was, Alexander found his energy flagging. While he liked Hercules well enough, he was still a stranger, and it took a great deal of effort to keep himself engaged. If Laurens had not been there to ease the awkward moments, Alexander would not have lasted half as long. Despite the three coffees he drank, he found himself yawning. Pain started to bleed in at the edges of his consciousness. Then he bumped his elbow against the table, and the sudden flare of pain woke his senses up to the symphony of agony throughout the rest of his body.

Laurens took one look at him and said, “We’re taking you home.”

“Oh thank fuck,” Alexander said. He let Laurens push him back and did not protest when he was taken straight to his bedroom. Distantly, Alexander thought he ought to protest and retain some pride, but the pain clouded his mind and drained his will. In the end, he was grateful when Laurens helped lift him from the chair to his bed. He disappeared, then reappeared a minute later with Alexander’s painkillers and a glass of water. Alexander’s hands shook as he reached out for the pills, badly enough that Laurens helped support the glass of water when Alexander drank. He fussed over Alexander as he settled down to sleep, going as far as to pull the blankets up over him. As baffling as the experience was, Alexander could not deny it was nice to be taken care of.

The next few hours passed in a haze of pain and sleep. When Alexander came back to himself, the first thing he noticed was the sound of laughter from the kitchen. A warm glow settled into his chest. He could recognize Aaron’s voice, and Laurens. It was hard to believe they had been complete strangers just weeks before when he considered the surge of affection he felt for them.

With some difficulty, Alexander lifted himself off the bed and into his chair. He stopped by the mirror to fix his hair, then ventured out into the living area. Aaron, Laurens and Hercules stood around the kitchen bench, drinking and talking together. Watching them, Alexander decided it could not be too long after five o’clock: Aaron still wore his suit jacket, and his briefcase was propped up against the bench. Despite Alexander’s claim that black was the most boring colour one could wear, he found himself admiring the slim cut of Aaron’s suit. When he realized he was staring, he jerked his head up abruptly, only to catch Laurens’ eye. Laurens winked at him. If Aaron hadn’t been there, he might have said something, but as it was, he swallowed his sharp words and pretended he had seen nothing.

“Aaron was just offering us a demonstration of his pole dancing skills,” Laurens said, mischief sparkling in his eyes. Aaron gave a snort of laughter.

“Hardly. One beer isn’t enough for that,” Aaron said. “I’m not that much of a lightweight.”

Despite the warning note in his voice he smiled at Alexander and poured him a drink. “Ignore these two. They found a photo of me from Halloween last year and seem to think I haven’t already heard every possible joke on the matter.”

“Aaron, you’ve got glitter on your chest,” Laurens said. “You can’t expect us not to tease you for that.”

Aaron let out a sigh. “Would it help or hinder my case if I said I wasn’t the one who put it there?”

The hot stab of jealousy Alexander felt at the words left his head spinning. While Laurens dissolved into giggles, Hercules let out a hoot and held his hand out for a fist-bump. Aaron stared at it for several seconds before letting out a loud sigh and obliging.

“Do you know who did?” Alexander wanted to know. Aaron let out a thoughtful hum.

“I think his name was William? He said he was cold, so I gave him my jacket. I lost track of him after he went to the bathroom. It’s a shame, really. I liked him. And the jacket, come to think of it.”

There was a brief pause, filled only by the sound of Laurens’ choking on his drink. When it became clear no one else was going to speak, Hercules said,

“Burr, I think he wanted you to follow him to the bathroom.”

Aaron’s mouth worked soundlessly for a moment before he groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why do people have to be so obtuse? Why couldn’t he just ask?”

“Most people would think that’s fairly plain,” Hercules pointed out, but Aaron shook his head.

“It’s not! Even if there’s the implication, there’s too much room for misinterpretation. What if I’d followed him and all he’d wanted was to use the bathroom? At best, I’d make him uncomfortable. At worst, if I misread it, I might assault him. I’d rather take my chances with ambiguity and miss out than risk hurting someone.”

“That’s all very admirable, and I’m delighted to hear that you do have a moral compass, but you’re still an idiot,” Laurens said bluntly. “You let a man strip you and smear glitter over your chest, in a bar known for hookups, and you act as though he might not have been interested?”

Aaron hesitated, before conceding, “You may have a point.”

“’May’,” Laurens echoed with a snort. “Jesus Christ, no wonder you’re single. It all makes sense now.”

“That, and I don’t have time for a relationship,” Aaron said dryly. “But something tells me you’re not going to listen to that.”

“Why don’t you have time?” Alexander asked. He hated the way his voice cracked when he spoke, but Aaron smiled as if he hadn’t noticed. Aaron explained that his lifestyle left him with little time to pursue a serious relationship. His career was demanding, and under ordinary circumstances it was rare for him to finish work before seven o’clock, or get in after eight in the morning. Instead of soothing Alexander, the response only pushed his worry from one cause to the next. He knew what it was to work and work and work until you burned yourself out. The last thing he wanted was to see Aaron go through the same thing. When he expressed his concern, Aaron raised his eyebrows.

“I know I shouldn’t confuse you and the other you, but I never thought I’d hear Alexander Hamilton telling me to work less.”

“I don’t want you to work yourself to death. That shouldn’t be surprising,” Alexander countered. Aaron’s expression softened into something more affectionate, and said,

“Maybe it’s not.”


	4. Reunions

Alexander’s days settled into a pattern. When Laurens visited, they would venture out to a local restaurant and give Alexander fresh air and a chance to see the city. He brought a visitor with him at least once a week, re-introducing Alexander to his old friends. He learnt that Hercules had a dreadfully inappropriate sense of humour, and that Eliza Schuyler had the temperament of a saint. They became Alexander’s two favourite visitors, and the ones he saw most often. For the most part, however, he found himself with no particular affection for his old friends. Many of them seemed unwilling to accept he was a changed man, insisting on treating him as they had always done. Laurens dealt with those, steering them outside and not inviting them back.

When Laurens tried to invite Lafayette, Alexander slammed the door in his face. Ignoring the clear message being sent, Laurens used his key to unlock the door and invited both himself and Lafayette in. Alexander glared at them.

“Are you pretending not to understand the message, or just ignoring it?”

“Ignoring it,” Laurens said, sounding far too casual and confident for Alexander’s liking. “Alexander, this is Lafayette. Laff, Alex.”

“I’d appreciate it if we could put our disagreement at the hospital behind us and start again,” Lafayette said, all politeness and courtesy. Alexander made a show of thinking it over, rubbing his chin and humming softly before deciding,

“Nah. You know what they say about first impressions.”

“Alexander,” Laurens warned, but there was a pleasing undercurrent to his voice that made guilt gather in Alexander’s gut. He ignored it. Instead, he took a vindictive pleasure from the dismay on Lafayette’s face and spread his hands wide.

“Look, I can’t help it. I’m surprised you came, honestly,” he said, directing the last comment to Lafayette. “Bit hypocritical, to show up on Aaron’s doorstep after the way you spoke about him.”

“I came to talk to you. Not Burr.”

Alexander snorted. “See, there’s your mistake. Aaron would at least be polite to you.”

“Alexander,” Laurens said sharply. “Would it kill you to be nice for five minutes?”

Alexander looked at him and raised his eyebrows, unrepentant. “Maybe. All these injuries, who knows what the strain of biting my tongue might do.”

“Enough!” Lafayette said, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. “I won’t start another fight. I’m leaving.”

“Good,” Alexander said, although the word was lost under Laurens’ worried objections. Laurens followed him to the door, and when they both stepped through, Alexander shut it behind them. His mood for the day ruined, he went to the kitchen and made himself a coffee. As he waited for the water to boil, he sent Aaron a text:

ALEXANDER >>> Laurens brought that french fuck over

AARON <3 >>> Try to be polite. I’m sure Lafayette cares about you.

ALEXANDER >>> You’re the polite one. I told him to fuck off.

AARON <3 >>> Of course you did. I should have guessed.

ALEXANDER >>> He was rude about you.

AARON <3 >>> If you’re going to start an argument with everyone who dislikes me, you’re going to make a lot of enemies.

That remark made Alexander frown at his phone. Arguing no longer seemed like enough. No matter how hard he tried, he could not imagine a valid reason to dislike Aaron. The idea that large numbers of people had decided otherwise did not cause Alexander to doubt, but rather filled him with righteous anger.

ALEXANDER >>> If they didn’t want me arguing with them, they shouldn’t have been rude about you. You’re worth getting into fights over.

Aaron had nothing to say to that, which did not surprise Alexander in the slightest. Aaron could be awkward with emotions at the best of times. Such a bold declaration of regard and loyalty would undoubtedly make him uncomfortable, even if it was exactly what he needed to hear.

An hour or so later, the front door opened and shut once again. Alexander ignored it. He pretended not to hear the footsteps coming up the hall, and even when Laurens stepped into his line of sight, he pretended to see nothing. It was not until Laurens plucked the mug of coffee from his hands that he acknowledged him, reaching for the cup.

“Hey, give that back.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“We’ve established this. You should be happy, I’m behaving just like my old self,” Alexander said. He strained and strained for the coffee, trying to ignore the way his words made Laurens’ face twist with grief.

“I’m not asking that. Alexander, please,” he said, his voice cracking on the ‘please’. Alexander flinched. He gave up on the coffee and crossed his arms over his chest, looking everywhere but at Laurens. After a few moments, Laurens set the coffee down where Alexander could easily reach it.

“I know this is hard for you,” Laurens said quietly. “I should have talked to you before bringing Laff around. But did you have to take it out on him?”

“Neither of you were listening. I made it very clear I didn’t want him here, and you both ignored it.”

“I thought if you spent a few minutes together, you might realize he’s not an asshole.”

“I don’t care,” Alexander said, which caught Laurens off-guard. There were a few seconds of silence. Then Laurens sighed and put a hand on Alexander’s shoulder.

“You’re tired.”

Alexander snorted. “In case you’d forgotten, I got hit by a fucking car. I have to take fucking oxycontin every fucking day to keep me in regular pain instead of full fucking agony. Tired doesn’t cover it. And you know, Aaron’s the only one that never looks at me like I’m some kind of placeholder. Hercules looks like I’ve slapped him every time he realizes I’ve never heard his jokes before. Eliza’s always walking on eggshells. Even you keep sneaking glances at me when my back is turned, or when you think I’m not looking. And Lafayette wouldn’t even have come if he wasn’t hoping to see the old version of me.

“What if the old Alexander’s not coming back? They said at the hospital there’s no guarantee. For all you know, the he you knew could be dead. It could just be me from here on out. How many of you would give a shit then?”

“I would,” Laurens said. His voice was thick with emotion, and when Alexander looked up, there were tears in his eyes. Guilt stabbed through Alexander’s chest. Despite his anger, he liked Laurens. The idea that he had caused him such pain did not sit comfortably with him, but he could not take his words back. As he debated what to do, Laurens bent over and hugged him. When he pulled away, the tears had started to trickle down his cheeks. He kept his hands on Alexander’s shoulders as he said,

“Listen, Alexander. I won’t pretend I don’t miss you – the old you, I guess. I can’t put how close we were into words. I’m not going to pretend that’s not hurting me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you. Even if I never get my Alexander back, I’d still want to be your friend.”

Alexander swallowed heavily. When Laurens went to move his hands away, Alexander reached up and caught one, keeping it in place.

“You are my friend. I just...”

“I understand,” Laurens said, and squeezed his shoulder. “I don’t like it, but I promise not to bring anyone else around without asking.”

The ball of tension in Alexander’s gut loosed suddenly, and he found himself breathing a sigh of relief. Laurens gave him a watery smile, and Alexander smiled back as best he could.

Exhausted from the emotional discussion, the two of them spent the rest of the day on the couch. They talked very little, content to read and watch television and let the awkwardness of the morning fade away.

On days when Aaron stayed home, Alexander largely rested. They would stay in the house, and Aaron would recruit his help with small tasks to help keep him entertained. He encouraged Alexander to read any book that took his fancy, and purchased any other books he mentioned wanting.

On Thursdays, Aaron habitually had two of his friends visit for dinner. The first time he had met them he was near sick with nerves, but Bellamy and Theodosia soon put his mind at ease. Theodosia, he learnt, was the friend Aaron had adapted his house for. While Aaron dismissed his decision to renovate his entire house as a whim, Theodosia was open about how he had done so when she had nowhere else to turn at a very difficult time in her life.

“So I’m not surprised he’s done it again. He might try and act all apathetic, but only an idiot would fall for that act.”

“Theo,” Aaron said with a plaintive note in his voice, but Theodosia shushed him.

“I’m talking about you, not to you. You’re just going to have to learn to deal with people saying you’re a good person, and that’s that.”

Aaron practically squirmed with embarrassment, but he did not try to argue. With Aaron’s compliance assured, Theodosia began to share stories about Aaron that Aaron would never have shared himself. He had been open and candid when it came to embarrassing moments, but when it came to stories that showed him in a positive light, he avoided them like the plague. Bellamy, meanwhile, preferred the embarrassing stories, and took every opportunity he found to tease and make fun of Aaron despite openly admiring his friend. Perhaps that was why Aaron tolerated more teasing from him than anyone else. Even Laurens had quickly learnt there were some lines one didn’t cross, but Bellamy breezed past all of Aaron’s prickly sensitivities with nothing more than a wink and a laugh.

Thursdays quickly became Alexander’s favourite day of the week. Not only would Aaron remain home with him, but he did not spend the entire day working. He would finish in the early evening to start preparing dinner. While Aaron’s normal meals were enjoyable, the meals he prepared on Thursdays were incredible. If Alexander had not already been half in love with him, he might have been won over by his cooking alone. Alexander learnt more about cooking from Aaron than he had in his entire life to date.

As the weeks slipped by and Alexander left his pain medication, Laurens grew more and more anxious. Whenever he thought Alexander wasn’t looking, he would watch his every move. Occasionally, he would make an offhand remark that seemed out of place, only to wilt when Alexander had no reaction. Alexander hated it. He debated the merits of complaining, but to his relief, Aaron got there first. The very first time he saw it, he frowned at the pained look on Alexander’s face. He squeezed Alexander’s shoulder and changed the topic. Alexander assumed that was the end of it, but later that same day, Aaron pulled Laurens aside. His voice was too quiet for Alexander to make out what he said, but he did not miss the guilty look Laurens sent in his direction. They refused to say what they had discussed when they rejoined him – but Laurens did not seek to test his memory again.

As Alexander’s health recovered, he began to go on longer and longer outings. At his doctor’s suggestion, he visited places that ought to be familiar. He visited the ground floor of Laurens’ apartment, but it prompted no great revelations; all he felt was a flood of relief that he was staying with Aaron. He struggled to navigate the narrow corridor with his chair, and the only bedrooms were up a flight of stairs. The independence he had clawed back into his life vanished in an instant. When he returned to Aaron’s place, he felt an overwhelming flood of relief that he was home. 

Their next visit was to his workplace. Alexander fretted about that, but Aaron assured him repeatedly that his employer would not begrudge his presence.

“Even after I called him an asshole?” Alexander asked skeptically. His opinion of his boss had not changed, but without opiates flooding his system, he was keenly aware of the effect such behaviour could have on his career. To his surprise, Aaron snorted with laughter at the questions.

“You’d have to do a lot worse than that to alienate Washington. He asks after you, you know.”

“You say that like we really were friends.”

“Everything I’ve seen would suggest so,” Aaron said. He paused before each word, seeming to weigh it up and assess the balance between honesty and comfort. Alexander considered that. At the end of the day, there was one point he could not work past.

“I don’t want to be friends with my boss, but if he’s giving you trouble - ”

Aaron interrupted him, again with a laugh. “Trouble? This is the nicest he’s ever been to me.”

“You’re not making it easier for me to like him, you know,” Alexander said darkly. There was a crooked smile on Aaron’s face.

“I respect Mr Washington immensely, but I never had the same rapport with him as you. I’m afraid I’m the wrong person to talk to if you want to like him.”

“Why?” Alexander asked. Aaron shook his head. No matter how much Alexander pressed, he refused to tell Alexander why his opinion of Washington was so different. He would say nothing that was not complimentary of the man, and when asked about his dislike, he claimed it was a personal matter. Alexander did not believe him for a second, but that did not get him any closer to the truth. Getting Aaron’s opinion on this was plainly an activity that would occupy him for many weeks.

Despite Aaron’s reassurances, Alexander could not deny a looming fear at the idea of visiting his workplace. What if he hated it? Worse, what if he loved it? With no memories, he was ill equipped to work as a lawyer, but he could not stand the idea of losing his work. He would have to make sure he remained on his boss’ good side. The idea made his stomach churn in disgust, but Alexander ignored it. He would do whatever it took.

The taxi pulled up beside one of the glittering skyscrapers in the financial district. As Aaron helped him out of the car, he was struck by how well Aaron fit into his surroundings. He walked among the bankers and investors with an easy confidence that turned Alexander green with envy. Aaron, of course, had every right to look at ease. With his tailored suit and confident gait, he fit right in. It was Alexander who stood out. Several people stared at him as Aaron led him into a building with glass walls and marble floors. The lifts were gathered in clusters of four around a large fountain. The elevator made a happy beep when they stepped inside, and Aaron pressed the button to take them to the top floor. They zoomed past the lower levels so fast Alexander felt his ears pop.

The elevator opened into a lavish reception area. Everywhere Alexander looked he saw marble and glass. He had never seen so much wealth on display in his life. The office kitchen to his right included a gleaming espresso machine with a barista on call. To the left was a broad open office, filled with people tapping away on laptops or talking on the phone. Alexander could not hide his astonishment.

“I work here?”

“Not in this area, but yes,” Aaron said. He led Alexander around the office, introducing him to various people as he went. He showed Alexander his own office, a small but private space tucked away in a corner. Alexander was delighted.

“You have your own office,” he said, staring at Aaron in renewed awe. Oddly enough, the praise did not seem to make Aaron happy. He smiled, but it was a small, pinched expression. The sight of it made something in Alexander’s chest twist unpleasantly, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not get rid of it.

After Aaron’s office, they moved towards the south side of the building, which had the best views. While Alexander was admiring the sight of New York spread out beneath him, Aaron knocked on a nearby office door. When called in, he stepped into the office without so much as a glance back at Alexander. Curious, Alexander strained his ears to hear.

“Burr. What do you want?”

“I was hoping to borrow a pass to Alexander’s office, sir. The neurologist recommended exposing him to familiar environments.”

There was a scrape of a chair against the floor. “Alexander is here?”

“Sir, I don’t think - “

What Aaron thought was apparently of no concern, Alexander noted, as the door flew open. Washington stood in the doorway. When he saw Alexander, his tense expression eased into something more gentle that was just shy of a smile. Alexander did not smile back.

“I’m glad to see you’re well enough to visit. How are you feeling, son?”

“I’m not,” Alexander said, then bit his tongue so hard he tasted the sharp tang of blood. This man held both his and Aaron’s careers in the palm of his hand. As desperate as Alexander was to tear his head off for the presumption, he would not risk his job. He swallowed the blood in his mouth and forced himself to take the rage out of his tone.

“I’m not myself yet. We don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

“It will take as long as it takes,” Washington said. “I’m afraid you might have to be patient for once. Take all the time you need. Your job will still be waiting for you. I’ve arranged for you to take indefinite paid leave.”

Alexander gaped at him. “I’m sorry, did you just say _paid_ leave?”

“Of course,” Washington said, as though it were obvious. He crossed the hall to the office opposite his and swiped a card at the entrance. The door let out a beep and flashed a green light. When the door opened, Alexander’s jaw dropped. The room was easily twice the size of Aaron’s office. Bookshelves lined the walls, with the exception of the glass wall overlooking the city. A large desk sat in the centre of the room housing a sleek laptop, two large computer screens and endless stacks of paper. A half-empty, rapidly molding mug of coffee sat near the edge of the desk. Alexander stared at the room in awe.

“This is mine?”

“You’re more than welcome to take your laptop home with you, of course. Although – I suppose you don’t remember the password.”

Alexander shook his head. He almost pitied Washington for the pained look on his face, until he remembered how small Aaron’s office had been. Any sympathy he felt for the man vanished. Favouritism was unflattering at the best of times, and Alexander had no doubt that Aaron had earned the same luxury and accolades as him.

They spent a few awkward minutes in Alexander’s office before Alexander claimed exhaustion and asked to leave. Washington showed every concern, offering to walk them to a car and pay for the taxi, but Alexander waved him off as politely as he could manage. Aaron played the concerned caretaker well, but there was a spark of amusement in his eyes when he watched Alexander’s performance.

As they approached the lifts, a tall man stepped out of a nearby office and stood in front of them.

“Burr, I just sent you a case briefing, we could use your expertise on this one.”

“Hello, Thomas. Is it urgent? I can look over it as soon as I’ve taken Alexander home,” Aaron said. The man cast a disdainful glance down at Alexander. Despite the look, Alexander held a hand out to greet him. The other man did not shake his hand.

“Oh, that’s right, you got stuck caring for him, didn’t you? Pity. You’d think Washington would realize there were better things you could be doing. I hope he’s not causing too many problems.”

“We’re getting along rather well, thank you,” Aaron said. The response was woefully inadequate in Alexander’s mind, and he glared at him viciously. A sleek, professional smile was fixed on Aaron’s face, but there was no sign of any warmth or happiness in his eyes.

“Well, getting hit on the head could only help his personality,” Thomas said. He reached out to patted Alexander on the head. After the first pat, Alexander lashed out and bashed his arm away.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Or not,” Thomas said, raising his eyebrows. “Good luck, Burr. Don’t forget about James’ birthday drinks on Friday.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Aaron said, his smile rigid and unflinching. The elevator arrived, and Aaron and Alexander used it as an opportunity to leave. The second the doors were shut, Alexander exploded.

“What an asshole!”

The grin on Aaron’s face was bright and real now, and after a few seconds he fell apart laughing. Baffled at his reaction, Alexander asked him why. This only served to amuse him further, until Aaron was obliged to lean against the elevator wall. When he calmed, the grin was still on his face.

“I’m glad you still hate Thomas. I’d have to wonder if there was more going on than amnesia if you suddenly liked him.”

“I can’t believe you were so polite to him,” Alexander said. “He’s awful.”

“He also happens to be one of the most influential men in the firm,” Aaron pointed out. “I’d rather not alienate both Washington and Thomas.”

Alexander winced. “He was so repulsive I’d forgotten all about Washington. I don’t want to know what I did to get him to treat me like that.”

“You were lucky,” Aaron said. When Alexander looked skeptical, he insisted, “I won’t pretend I haven’t heard rumours to the contrary, but for what it’s worth, I don’t believe you did anything I wouldn’t do.”

It was not a complete absolution, but nevertheless, the words soothed Alexander. He trusted Aaron’s judgement. If he had done nothing Aaron himself would not do, then he could not have done anything too dreadful.

As they made their way home, Alexander complained about the behaviour of his coworkers at full volume. He did not take any notice of the world around him, passing through the lobby of his building and out onto the street without so much as a glance. He remained oblivious to his surroundings until Aaron grabbed him and pulled him backwards with a hoarse shout. Alexander grasped his arm automatically and looked around him. Looking around, he found himself at the edge of the road. The light was green for them to cross, but Aaron still clung to him as if they had been in critical danger.

“Aaron?”

Aaron stared at him for a few seconds. He then released him, stumbling a few steps back.

“Nevermind.”

“No, Aaron, wait,” Alexander said, but no matter how much Alexander pestered him, Aaron would not talk about what happened. Alexander heeded his decision not to discuss it, but he did not forget it.

Although not physically taxing, Alexander found the visit exhausting. He did not bother to hide his relief when he returned home, and for once Aaron did not try to convince him to help with preparing lunch. Instead, he ordered food delivered and took a seat on the couch. They spent the afternoon watching television and feasting on dumplings. By the time evening rolled around, Alexander’s stress from earlier in the day had been forgotten.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he told Aaron, under the influence of painkillers and too many carbs. Aaron smiled, but the expression did not quite reach his eyes.

“You’d be fine.”

Alexander shook his head. “You’re the only one that cares about _me_. Everyone else acts like they’re talking to a ghost. You, you’re… good.”

‘Good’ did not even begin to encompass what Alexander thought, but the fog surrounding his brain kept him from his usual eloquence. Aaron gave a snort of laughter.

“Alright, I think it’s time for bed.”

“Will you come with me?” Alexander purred, reaching out to stroke his fingers down Aaron’s arm. Much to his disappointment, Aaron shifted out of reach. Alexander pouted.

“You’re a menace when you’re on opiates, you know that?” Aaron asked him. Despite his complaint, there was laughter in his voice as he helped Alexander through to the bedroom. Once there, he lingered long enough to ensure he was safely in bed before leaving Alexander alone. His presence ought to have rankled Alexander’s pride, but all he felt was a warm glow of contentment at the idea of Aaron watching over him.

The contentment vanished the following morning, but to Alexander’s surprise, Aaron did not treat him any differently. It was as if Alexander had never attempted to flirt with him. Alexander ignored the sinking feeling in his chest and told himself it was for the best. As much as he wanted Aaron, it was far more important to make sure Aaron was not uncomfortable.

He confided his problems in Laurens the next day.

“It’s hell, you know. It should be illegal for one man to be so attractive.”

“So you’ve said,” Laurens laughed.

“He even smells good,” Alexander complained. “How is that even possible?”

“When you think someone smells good, it means your body thinks they’re a good match for reproduction,” Laurens said. “So even the dumb animal part of your brain wants to fuck him.”

He raised his beer in a mock toast, and Alexander groaned and let his head fall back. “Not helping.”

“What do you want me to say? You’re right, he’s hot. Poor you, having someone that hot acting like your personal nurse.”

The words conjured a series of vivid images in Alexander’s mind. He dragged a hand down his face and exhaled slowly. “Fuck you.”

Laurens snickered. “Wouldn’t have thought you’d be interested in nurses after the last few weeks.”

“I’m not,” Alexander snapped, squirming with embarrassment. He briefly considered the truth, but dismissed it. It was bad enough that Laurens knew he had a crush on Aaron. Alexander could scarcely imagine the remarks he’d get if Laurens found out what Alexander thought of Aaron dressing up for him. After a few seconds, Laurens leaned over and squeezed his shoulder.

“Hey. You know I’m only teasing, right? I’d never say anything to him.”

“It’s bad enough that you’re saying things to me,” Alexander grumbled. Laurens squeezed his shoulder again and changed the topic. Over the next several days, his remarks about Alexander’s crush started to ease up, and none were as demanding as before Alexander had complained. Alexander felt a pang of affection for his friend. Despite his misstep, it seemed plain to Alexander that Laurens did care about his boundaries.

As for Aaron, he seemed oblivious to Alexander’s interest, even as Alexander’s desires burned out of control. Even in the most domestic situations, Alexander found an unfamiliar warm glow suffused his entire body at the mere sight of Aaron. He treasured every intimate moment and did not let himself question if it was real or imagined. When Aaron laughed at his jokes, Alexander found himself grinning and bragging and going to ever more extreme lengths to make him laugh. When he complimented Alexander’s appearance, he would preen and feel impossibly attractive for the rest of the day. When they debated, he found himself more challenged than ever before and relished it. But most of all, Alexander loved the gentle moments, when Aaron’s guard dropped and Alexander caught a glimpse of tenderness. Sometimes it came when Aaron was caught in those fleeting seconds between sleep and waking, blinking up at Alexander with a soft smile on his face after falling asleep on the couch. Sometimes it happened when Aaron had indulged in a little too much wine and he let himself into Alexander’s personal space, spoiling him with affectionate touches to the shoulder or arm. Even more rarely, it would happen apropos of nothing, when Alexander caught Aaron watching him with unguarded tenderness on his face. No matter what prompted it, Alexander adored it.

All this might have given Alexander some kind of hope, if Aaron had not rejected his advances a dozen times. Every time Alexander’s flirting became overt, Aaron did everything he could to change the topic. It would have been easier, Alexander thought, if he had the decency to say ‘no’ straight out. The spike of rage he felt towards Aaron at that thought felt almost familiar, but it fizzled out as quickly as it came. Despite his rage, he could not hate Aaron for rejecting him.


	5. Chapter 5

After several weeks, Alexander had progressed to crutches. The change came with a ruthless physiotherapy regime which left every muscle in Alexander’s body aching, but he stuck to it with borderline religious fervor. It was not until Hercules visited one day that he realized healing may have some unintended consequences.

“Does this mean you’ll be leaving Burr’s place soon?”

The words ruined Alexander’s good mood immediately. Dread coiled around his heart, whispering in the back of his mind. He should have seen this coming. Living with Aaron seemed perfectly natural to Alexander; after all, he could remember little else. But to everyone else, Aaron included, it was a temporary solution to Alexander’s limited mobility. It was only a matter of time before Aaron asked him to leave.

Laurens did not miss the sudden turn in Alexander’s mood and changed the topic, but the seed had been planted. Alexander fretted silently about it for three days until Aaron sat him down with a mug of tea and a gentle touch on the shoulder.

“You haven’t been yourself lately. I know something’s wrong. Is it something I can help with?”

Alexander hesitated. Raising the topic ran the risk of being kicked out sooner rather than later, but perhaps it was better to get it over and done with. He took a deep breath and wrapped both hands around the warm mug. Avoiding eye contact, he said,

“You let me live here because there was nowhere else I could go that was wheelchair accessible.”

Aaron let out a small hum. After a moment, he asked, “Do you want to live elsewhere?”

“No!” Alexander blurted. His head shot up to find Aaron watching him with gentle concern. At his exclamation, Aaron smiled a little.

“Then I don’t see the problem. I’ve enjoyed having you around, and I won’t object to your continued company.”

Alexander stared at him in awe. Could it really be so simple? Aaron seemed to think so. He leaned back into his chair and took a sip from his mug, closing his eyes for a moment as he indulged in the simple pleasure. A warm rush of affection swept through Alexander’s body. He could rely on Aaron. The thought was a foreign one to Alexander, who could not name another time in his life when he could trust someone so completely. No matter what Alexander’s swirling anxieties or demanding desires told him, he trusted that he would keep Aaron as a friend. It was a comforting thought. There had been very little in his life that was reliable, but Aaron was. 

“On a related note, would you be interested in a trip upstate?” Aaron asked. Caught off guard, Alexander shrugged a little. It was not like he had any work to be doing, but the idea of taking a vacation still sat uneasily with him.

“Wouldn’t that be expensive?”

“I bought a property up there when I was younger,” Aaron said. “In retrospect, it was a foolish decision – if I couldn’t rent it out to holidaying families, it would have ruined my financially. But since renting homes has become popular, I’ve started to make a tidy profit from it. I’ve had a week booked out for personal use since before – before.”

Aaron stopped abruptly and swallowed. His hands squeezed a little tighter around his mug before he continued.

“In any case, there’s plenty of room for you to come. If you’re not opposed to sharing a room, I was thinking of inviting Laurens as well.”

“That would be nice,” Alexander said. A tentative smile started to bloom across Aaron’s face, and Alexander’s heart ached with pity for him. In some ways, Alexander thought he had the easier path to recovery. With no memories of the crash, he was able to move on without being haunted at every step by what he had seen. Meanwhile, Aaron still jumped at red cars that caught him by surprise and went quiet at any mention of the accident.

Having secured Alexander’s approval, Aaron did not delay in inviting Laurens. He asked him that very week, when Laurens stayed for his now usual Monday evening dinner. As Alexander expected, Laurens was elated at the invitation. He hugged first Alexander, then Aaron, who tolerated the physical affection with awkward pleasure. When Laurens stepped away, Aaron sent a surreptitious glance towards his back. Something lurched in Alexander’s chest. Was Aaron interested in Laurens? There was no doubt Laurens would turn him down if he was, but the thought still felt like a dagger in Alexander’s heart.

Alexander kept a close eye on the pair for the rest of the night, but the evidence was inconclusive. There was no doubt that Aaron thought fondly of Laurens. He invited him over frequently. Outside of Bellamy, Theodosia, and Alexander himself, there were few others who could make him really laugh. His laughter was one of Alexander's favourite sounds. He loved when it turned from smooth and pretty to an erratic, bubbling, uncontrolled thing that shook his whole body. And there were other signs of Aaron's affection for Laurens. When Alexander’s injuries drained his energy to the point of sleep, Aaron and Laurens would stay up late into the evening. Were they talking, Alexander wondered? Or did Aaron use Alexander’s absence to press close to Laurens and flirt, offering him everything Alexander wanted so desperately? If he did, would Laurens take it?

The drive upstate was a long one, but Alexander found himself astonished at how quickly the time passed. Neither Bellamy nor Theodosia seemed to find his presence strange. As conversation flowed, Alexander realized it was because they counted him as a friend. The idea made Alexander flush with pride. As dearly as he loved Laurens, Hercules, and some of his other friends, none of them liked him on his own merits. They were haunted and clinging to a memory of a different Alexander. Bellamy and Theodosia had never known him before. They had accepted and befriended him on his own merits, and that was enough for Alexander to value their friendship greatly. He found himself glad Laurens had opted to come up a day late. It would be nice to spend some time with his new friends all together.

The house was built beside a large lake. The original building was an old stone fort that had fallen into disrepair, but at some point, someone had integrated the remnants of the walls into a new, modern house with large windows and timber floors. A gentle slope led up to the front door, and an interior set of stairs led up to two of the bedrooms. The stairs would not be easy for Alexander, but he had come prepared. He could walk now without aid, although doing so exhausted him enough that he still relied on mobility aids for outings. Theodosia would take the downstairs bedroom, while the rest of the group would share the two upstairs rooms. Alexander’s room consisted of two double beds. He claimed the bed closest to the door and put his suitcase on the ground beside it.

Downstairs, open-plan living area featured an entire wall of glass, providing a stunning view of the lake. The verandah over the lake included a small jetty, and Alexander spied a boathouse nestled alongside it. When Aaron joined him in the living area, Alexander said with envy,

“You are disgustingly rich.”

“Not as rich as he would be if he hadn’t bought this place,” Theodosia called out. Aaron looked a little sheepish, but he shrugged and said,

“It wasn’t such a great loss. It’s money I’d gladly spend to be able to spend time on holiday with my friends.”

“Typical rich person answer,” Alexander snorted. Aaron laughed at that and shook his head.

“You may not have been born into money, but I’d bet my house that your investments have you no worse off than I,” Aaron said. “And I don’t think you realize just how much Washington pays you.”

The faintest hint of bitterness crept into Aaron’s tone at those last words, and Alexander frowned. He reached out for Aaron and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Washington’s an asshat. I’ve seen how hard you work. If he doesn’t appreciate that, maybe you should look for somewhere better.”

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it,” Aaron admitted. He reached up and covered Alexander’s hand with his own, then stepped away. His hand seemed to linger against Alexander’s for a second, but a beat later Alexander was sure he had imagined it. “Anyway, let me give you the tour.”

The afternoon and evening passed in a pleasant haze. There was a chill in the air, so rather than exploring outside, they stayed in and drank and talked. They made their own pizza for dinner, and spent the evening playing boardgames before retiring to bed.

The next morning, summer came back in force. The sun baked down upon the earth. Alexander was the first awake and helped himself to a morning coffee. He sat at the dining table and watched insects flit back and forth over the surface of the lake. There was something soothing about the morning quiet. It was not a kind of peace he was familiar with, and he wondered if it came with age, or if it came from Aaron.

His reverie was interrupted by the sound of something crashing upstairs. He heard a shout. Three seconds later, Bellamy dashed past in a swimsuit, holding something green in his hands. Aaron followed hot on his heels. Alexander froze, mug lifted halfway to his mouth, and stared with his mouth hanging open. He must have hit his head again, he thought, because he could have sworn Aaron had run past naked. A second later he heard two splashes, followed squealing and ultimately a lot of shouting. Still in disbelief, Alexander walked out to the verandah and watched Bellamy and Aaron grapple in the lake. After a few moments, Aaron snatched the green fabric from Bellamy’s hands and swam to the side. As he shifted awkwardly beneath the water, Alexander realized the stolen item had been Aaron’s swimwear. He retreated back inside, not wanting anyone to notice the sudden flush on his face.

Inside, he found Theodosia in the kitchen, preparing herself breakfast. “It’s times like these I remember how young they are,” she mused. “Aaron tries so hard to act like he’s mature, but he’s 25.”

“That doesn’t seem so young to me.”

“Yes, but _you’re_ 25, too,” Theodosia said, the corners of her eyes crinkling with amusement.

“I’m what?” Alexander blurted, aghast.

“How old did you think you were?”

Alexander hesitated. He tried to figure it out, but the years and passage of time felt like a very slippery concept. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, suddenly uncomfortable. “I don’t know.”

In retrospect, it shouldn’t have surprised him. He was old enough to have graduated college with a law degree and earn respect at what seemed to be an influential firm. If anything, he ought to be impressed at what he had accomplished so young. But those were the accomplishments of a different life, and the idea of years passed in that life made something unpleasant squirm in his belly.

He looked back out the window, watching Bellamy and Aaron paddling back and forth across the lake. As he watched, Aaron turned onto his back and tilted his head and neck back and up towards the warmth of the sun. Envy struck Alexander at the simple, carefree bliss he seemed to have. He knew exactly who he was. He had a home, and a career, and friends who plainly loved him dearly. Alexander’s presence in his life was an anomaly. Sooner or later, Alexander’s memory would return and wipe is current self out from existence. His unjustified hatred of Aaron would return, and Aaron’s life would return to normal.

“Alexander,” Theodosia said, and touched his wrist. He flinched at the contact, only to look down and realize how tightly he had clenched his fist. He released it deliberately, despite each finger protesting the movement. His hand felt horribly loose and uncomfortable, but the deep lines cut into his palm made him think twice about making a second fist.

“I know it’s hard, but there are better ways to distract yourself than pain,” Theodosia told him. “Go get your swimsuit and join the others.”

Alexander looked back out, just in time to see Aaron’s peace ruined by Bellamy dunking him under the water. When he turned back to Theodosia, she was smiling and looking out the window.

“They’ll be at it for hours. Aaron’s getting ambushed at least three more times.”

“He lets it happen,” Alexander realized. Theodosia’s smile grew a little.

“He’d never admit it, of course, and I don’t pretend to understand it, but that’s male bonding for you.”

Outside, Bellamy let out a high-pitched squeal as Aaron yanked his ankles out from underneath him and dragged him down. Alexander was not sure he was up for such vigorous play, but nevertheless he took Theodosia’s advice and changed into his swimsuit. Instead of heading straight out, he examined himself in the mirror. Scars twisted around his legs like vines tearing down a tree. His chest had largely escaped harm, but the skin on one arm was covered in constellations of tiny cuts from where he had hit the gravel. It was nothing Aaron had not already seen, but still he hesitated. The longer he stayed, the more complaints he noticed. The curve of his belly was larger than he remembered, and though the muscles in his legs had all but vanished, his thighs were fat and round. His hair had started to grow out, but it was still scarcely long enough to pull back. Even if he could have, he would not have, as he had taken to parting it so that it covered the mangled scar on his forehead. He thought of Aaron, and the blissful smile on his face outside. How could Alexander ever think he could share a life with Aaron? He was handsome and whole. There was no reason to tie himself to a scarred shadow of a man like Alexander.

The longer Alexander stayed, the worse his anxiety grew. Finally, he forced himself to walk out. The only thing worse than pitying himself was the idea of being caught. Very aware of the damage his body had gone through, he used the stairs on the side of the pier to ease himself into the water. He gasped at the first touch of his toe to the icy surface.

“It’s easier if you do it all at once.”

The sound of Aaron’s voice startled Alexander so much he lost his balance. He flailed for a few seconds before plummeting backwards. Panic seized his chest. Before he could even think to right himself, a strong arm wrapped around his chest and hauled him up. Panicking, Alexander grasped Aaron’s arm and shoulder and clung to him.

“Alexander, take it easy. I’ve got you,” Aaron soothed. After a few terrible seconds, Alexander managed to listen. Once he had calmed enough to note his surroundings, he realized Aaron had one arm around Alexander and the other holding firmly on to the ladder. Alexander’s stomach lurched. In his panic, he had not only endangered himself, but he had nearly dragged Aaron down with him. Despite that, there was no trace of anger or fear on Aaron’s face. The frown on his face was gentle and filled with concern.

“Do you not remember how to swim?”

“Of course I remember how to swim,” Alexander huffed. He pulled a little against Aaron’s arm. Aaron released him, but his eyes stayed fixed on Alexander, watching for any sign of trouble. Alexander sighed.

“I panicked. I’m more concerned that you were stupid enough to get so close to me. I could have dragged you down.”

“Nonsense. We were perfectly safe,” Aaron said. Alexander disagreed, and spent the next hour educating Aaron on all the dangers of deep water. They were lessons Alexander had learnt well. He had grown up surrounded by water and knew all of the pleasures and dangers it brought. By the end, Aaron looked suitably sheepish. He had no suitable defence for his reckless behaviour.

“I just didn’t want you to get hurt,” he said, no matter how many times Alexander asked him for his motives. After the third time Aaron claimed as such, Alexander sighed.

“Did you consider that I might not want you hurt?”

Aaron stared at him as if he had said something absurd. It was the wrong response. Alexander launched into another tirade about the stupidity Aaron had shown endangering himself. After a few minutes, Aaron interrupted and said quietly,

“Alexander, I understand what you’re saying, but can we please leave it?”

An unhappy furrow had appeared in Aaron’s forehead, and the smile Alexander had come to expect was nowhere to be seen. Guilt struck him hard and sudden. He nodded sheepishly and tried not to read too much into the timid smile Aaron gave him in response.

The awkwardness was dispelled when a large splash caught them off-guard. During their discussion, Bellamy had dashed inside to collect a frisbee. To re-enter the lake, he had leapt off the pier and curled up into a ball, crashing into the surface of the water a foot away from Alexander. The wave caught Aaron full in the face. He spluttered in surprise, but he laughed once he had recovered and immediately stole the frisbee and ran away. They spent a couple of hours like that, until Alexander’s underused muscles began to tire. The chill of the lake crept into his bones. By the time he surrendered and retreated inside every part of him ached. His legs threatened to give way beneath him when he stood, and when he opened the glass door inside he noticed his hand was shaking.

Once indoors, he retreated immediately to the ground floor shower. While not as luxurious as the shower at Aaron’s house, it did come equipped with a seat, along with all the other necessary adaptions to make the shower accessible. Alexander sank onto the seat with a sigh of relief. For several minutes he simply sat there, breathing heavily and trying to will his limbs to stop quaking. Frustration started to claw its way up his chest and into his throat, choking him. He loved swimming. He was _good_ at swimming, too. Despite his lecture to Aaron, Alexander had never held any fear of the water. He knew the dangers of open water and accepted them as fair exchange for the peace that came with it. To be left aching and sore and shaking after some light paddling was jarring. It was an unwelcome reminder that his body was still weak and injured from the accident.

After some time, Alexander remembered the shower itself and turned the water on. He make the water as hot as he could bear, relishing the slight sting as his skin turned red. Steam filled the room and he inhaled deeply. Bit by bit, the heat chased the cold and ache from his limbs. He spent an hour soaking in the warmth and massaging his aching muscles.

When he emerged, he found a steaming mug of coffee waiting for him. A small pastry was beside it, along with a tall glass of water. He drained the water in one gulp and started on the coffee. He had no doubt Aaron had made it; there was no one else present who knew exactly how Alexander liked it.

Aaron himself sat outside. He had showered and dressed since Alexander had last seen him, and he sat at the edge of the pier with Theodosia. Bellamy had not left the lake. He paddled back and forth as he spoke to the others, shivering slightly but too stubborn to leave the water. When Alexander joined them, Aaron turned to look at him with a bright smile. Something loosened in Alexander’s chest, and he found himself smiling back. The exhaustion tugging at the corners of his mind felt less draining and more like a comfortable laziness. He leaned against Aaron a little, and Aaron did not object.

They stayed like that until they were interrupted by the roar of a motorbike. Aaron got to his feet and held out his hand to help Alexander. Alexander froze. He stared at it for several seconds, caught between pride and the desire to hold Aaron’s hand. Desire won out. He seized Aaron’s hand and threaded their fingers together, refusing to let go once he was standing. When Aaron raised his eyebrows, Alexander glared at him.

“Do you have a problem?”

“Alexander,” Aaron said, and his voice was so horribly gentle that Alexander snatched his hand away as if he had been burned. He could not bear to be rejected in that tone. He would much rather have Aaron insult him than let him down easy. He stormed indoors. Aaron let out a sigh behind him, but Alexander did not look back.

They found Laurens at the front door, his bike parked next to Aaron’s van. He grinned at the sight of them, greeting both Aaron and Alexander with a hug.

“Damn, Burr, when you said you had a place up here, I was picturing more of a log cabin.”

“I hope you’re not too disappointed,” Aaron said. Only the slightest twitch of his lips betrayed his amusement. Laurens snorted, slapping him on the back and asking to come in. Aaron gave him the tour and introduced him to Theodosia. Aaron then glanced around the room and let out a little huff of irritation.

“Honestly, you’d think he’d been raised by wolves – hold on a moment.”

Without further ado, Aaron stuck his head out the door and shouted for Bellamy to come in and meet their guest. Bellamy shouted something rude back, but a few seconds later Alexander saw his head pop up at the end of the pier. As the rest of him came into view, Laurens made a quiet, strangled sort of sound.

“Alexander,” he said in a whisper. “Alexander, please tell me he’s single.”

Laurens stared at Bellamy with a poleaxed expression. Sniggering, Alexander elbowed him in the ribs. “You’re drooling.”

“Shut it,” Laurens hissed.

“I can’t. You said it’s my constitutional right to bully you for this kind of thing,” Alexander said smugly. Finally, he would have some measure of revenge for Laurens’ teasing.

“Is it too late to apologize?” Laurens asked in a whisper.

“Oh, it is far, far too late for that,” Alexander grinned. Laurens winced and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like ‘fuck, why couldn’t I be straight?’.

While Bellamy searched for a towel, Aaron walked back over to the pair of them. He took one look at the scene – Laurens flushing and cringing, Alexander openly laughing at him – and pressed his lips together tightly. Despite his attempt to keep a neutral expression, his lips turned into a smirk, and there was mischief in his eyes when he said,

“And here I thought you had better taste.”

Laurens groaned. “Aaron, if you say anything, I’ll - “

“Say something? And endure Bellamy’s bragging for the rest of the week?” Aaron asked. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Aaron introduced the two of them and then excused both himself and Alexander, insisting they needed to get started on lunch. Alexander pouted. As soon as they were out of earshot of Laurens and Bellamy, he said,

“I’m missing out on so much blackmail material right now.”

“That’s the point,” Aaron said. “The last thing I need is both Laurens and Bellamy having cause to tease me.”

Alexander considered the point. Laurens was without a doubt a menace, but as far as Alexander knew, Aaron had been spared the worst of his bullying. Bellamy, on the other hand, delighted in embarrassing Aaron at every opportunity. The two of them united would be a disaster. And while Alexander would be very interested to know what they had to embarrass Aaron so much, he knew that if they turned their eyes on Aaron, it was only a matter of time before they came for him.

“Fair point.”

Lunch consisted of a large spread of different cheeses and cured meats, accompanied by a loaf of crusty sourdough bread and an array of dips. When he saw how little there was to do, Alexander almost laughed. It could not have been plainer that Aaron had been trying to distract him. He did not complain, however, nor did he protest when Aaron led him back outside to enjoy the sunshine instead of rejoining Bellamy and Laurens. Theodosia joined them a couple of minutes later. They remained there until lunch, at which point they retrieved Laurens and Bellamy and invited them to join them.

All was well and good until Laurens excused himself after the meal to change into his swimsuit. As soon as they heard a door shut upstairs, Bellamy leaned over to Aaron and hissed,

“You could have warned me he was hot.”

Alexander began to laugh. Bellamy kicked him under the table, but not even the sharp burst of pain could stop him from laughing.

“This isn’t funny, Alexander. He’s going to come down in a swimsuit and I’m meant to act like a normal person?”

“Oh, was that you acting normally before?” Aaron asked mildly. “I didn’t realize you were in the habit of staring at people’s - “

Bellamy slapped a hand over Aaron’s mouth, looking around frantically to see if they’d been caught. The sight of Aaron glaring balefully over Bellamy’s hand undid all of Alexander’s restraint, and he found himself leaning against the table for support as he laughed.

“Last time you did that, he bit you,” Theodosia said.

“Last time I did it, he was drunk,” Bellamy countered, but he did remove his hand.

“Honestly, Bellamy, it’s not like you’ve never seen a man before,” Aaron said, as soon as he was able to talk.

“Aaron. Aaron, you saw his biceps. And his shoulders, fuck. I can’t be the only one who noticed.”

Aaron’s hesitation lasted for only a millisecond, but it was enough for Alexander’s mood to sour. His laughter cut off. He thought of how soft and pudgy his body had become in recovery and felt a stab of self-disgust.

“There’s more to life than biceps, Bellamy.”

“Right, we’ve all seen what you like,” Bellamy snorted. His eyes slid over to Alexander. Alexander’s heart began to pound in his chest as Bellamy opened his mouth, but before he could get even a single word out, Theodosia interrupted.

“You two are as bad as each other. Or have you forgotten the Theatre Incident?”

Both Aaron and Bellamy winced. Curious, Alexander turned his gaze to Theodosia. There was a smirk on her face, and there was a spark of mischief in her eyes. When she caught Alexander’s eyes, she winked, then launched into the story. By the time she was halfway through, both Aaron and Bellamy were cringing and avoiding eye contact at all costs. For his part, Alexander was half in love with Theodosia for sharing the story. From the way she kept half an eye on Alexander, he guessed she had noticed his distress – and her chosen way of dealing with it was to shut both Aaron and Bellamy up without revealing her motive. No wonder Aaron adored her.

By the time Laurens rejoined them, Theodosia had moved on to her second story despite Aaron and Bellamy’s pleas for her to stop. Her eyes flicked over to Alexander. He gave a tiny nod, and with a sigh, she agreed to leave the story for now. Aaron breathed a sigh of relief. Bellamy did not get a chance to do the same, as Laurens was eager to gain all the information he could from him.

Alexander and Theodosia each spent the afternoon on the pier with a novel. The others swam in the lake and caused enough noise for thirty men rather than three. As distracting as the noise was, something like contentment settled into Alexander’s chest. He could scarcely imagine a better way to spend the afternoon.

As the sun began to set and a chill set in, the entire group retreated indoors. While Aaron took charge of preparing dinner, Bellamy announced himself in charge of the bar. He kept all of them well supplied with drinks, but especially Aaron, whipping up another elaborate cocktail every time Aaron tried to get him to do something in the kitchen. By the time dinner rolled around, they were all tipsy, but that did not stop them from gorging themselves on home-made pizza.

The next few days passed in much the same way. When the weather was fine, they all swam until exhausted. Alexander was always the first retire, but he found he didn’t mind as much as he had at first. They had brought enough books that he was in no danger of running out of material, and it was not as lonely as he feared. Even when left alone, he knew he had friends nearby if he needed them. It was, Alexander thought, a very pleasant way to live.


	6. Chapter 6

On the fifth day of their holiday, a storm rolled across the lake in the morning. Alexander sat by the window and watched in terror and awe as the lighting flashed and thunder roared. As soon as the wind picked up enough to make things around the house rattle and shake, Laurens joined him with two mugs of hot chocolate. He passed one to Alexander. Initially he said nothing, but when Alexander stared blankly at him, he said,

“I know how you feel about storms. This will help.”

Alexander swallowed heavily and nodded. He wondered what Laurens saw. Could he tell that Alexander’s pupils were dilated with fear, that he had broken out in a sweat? His chest felt tight and Alexander barely suppressed the urge to gasp with every breath. But he took the hot chocolate and wrapped his fingers around the mug. The warmth soothed something in him immediately. As he watched the steam dance on the surface and smelled the sugar, something in him started to relax.

Laurens lifted an arm to wave at someone going past, and the next thing Alexander knew, Aaron had slipped into place beside him. He sat closer than usual, letting their thighs touch and swinging an arm around Alexander’s shoulder. Alexander burrowed closer. He was not so terrified that he would pass up a chance for contact, and Aaron’s touch was comforting. He swung his legs up to stretch out across Laurens’ lap and leaned his entire weight against Aaron. His anxiety still spiked every time the wind howled, but Aaron let him huddle as close as he wanted. Over time, he stopped flinching at every gust. By the time he calmed, half the morning had passed and a steady rain had set in. Outside there was nothing to see but silver rain and the creeping mist over the lake.

When Alexander lifted his head to look, Aaron reached out a hand and brushed a piece of hair off his forehead. He then froze and tensed for one second before recoiling as if he had been burned. Behind him, he heard Laurens give a snort of laughter.

“Can we get something to eat now?” Laurens asked. Aaron nodded stiffly and got to his feet. For once, Alexander let him leave alone. He turned to look at Laurens and raised an eyebrow in bemusement. Laurens grinned and shook his head. If he knew what was going on with Aaron, he would not tell Alexander.

They spent the day playing board games. It was not a pastime Alexander had ever considered, but he found himself drawn into the intense competition. Laurens threatened to murder him over a single resource in Settlers of Catan, and their monopoly game ended when Bellamy launched himself across the board to tackle Aaron for building a string of hotels. Plastic hotels and houses flew through the air and scattered across the room. Laurens seemed alarmed by the abrupt violence, but Theodosia merely sighed and shook her head.

“At least it’s Monopoly they’re arguing about this time,” she said. “Last year it was poker.”

“Fighting over money would sour the mood,” Alexander agreed.

“Oh, we weren’t playing for money,” Theodosia said offhandedly. “We were drunk, and Aaron suggested strip poker.”

Alexander made a strangled noise and turned red to the very tips of his ears. Behind him, Laurens started to laugh. Theodosia’s eyes flicked from Alexander to Bellamy and said,

“Bellamy lost, of course.”

The noise Laurens made was almost identical to the one Alexander had made. It did not make Alexander’s embarrassment any easier to bear, but at least he was not alone in his misery. He might have been content to wallow in his feelings if he had not heard an ungodly shriek from Aaron, followed by raucous laughter. He turned to see Aaron sprawled out on his back, Bellamy seated across his hips. Bellamy caught Alexander’s gaze and winked.

“Did you know he’s ticklish?”

To demonstrate, Bellamy wriggled his fingers against Aaron’s side. Aaron gave another burst of hysterical giggles and squirmed left and right, begging Bellamy to stop. Bellamy grinned and poked him again. In a conversational tone, he said,

“It’s a great way to finish arguments when he’s being an ass. Want a go?”

“Alexander,” Aaron said. The pleading note in his voice did funny things to Alexander’s insides, but he shook his head.

“Let him up,” Alexander said. Bellamy sighed theatrically and got to his feet. Aaron breathed a sigh of relief, closing his eyes for a moment. When he moved to stand, Bellamy offered him his hand, and despite their brawl, Aaron took it without hesitation. Aaron sank back into his seat and offered him a small smile.

“My hero. I owe you one.”

“Maybe Monopoly was a bad idea,” Alexander said.

“Monopoly is always a bad idea,” Aaron agreed. 

They agreed unanimously to take a break after that. Laurens and Bellamy picked out a movie to watch while the rest of them chose to read. To Alexander’s delight, Laurens stole Aaron’s usual spot next to Bellamy, prompting Aaron to sit beside Alexander. As the hours slipped by, he slowly began to relax further and further. First he tucked his feet beneath him on the sofa, then shifted his weight to one side. After two hours, Alexander felt a sudden weight in his lap. When he tore his eyes away from his novel, he found Aaron’s head in his lap, his eyes closed and face slack with sleep. His book lay on his chest, two fingers still slipped between the pages. Warmth filled Alexander’s chest. His fingers itched to touch Aaron’s face, but he resisted, forcing himself to keep his hands on his book. He looked up, wondering if anyone had caught the aborted little jerk of his fingers. They had not, but his movement caught Bellamy’s attention. He looked from Alexander to Aaron napping peacefully. Illogical terror seized Alexander’s chest before something in Bellamy’s expression softened.

“Let him rest. He’s been getting nightmares lately.”

That caught the attention of everyone in the room.

“Since when?” Theodosia wanted to know. Bellamy only shrugged helplessly.

“I haven’t slept with him since last Christmas. It could be any time between now and then.”

As Bellamy and Theodosia debated possible causes, discomfort and guilt started to grow on Laurens’ face. It was not until he realized Laurens was avoiding his gaze that Alexander realized the problem.

“It’s me.”

Both Bellamy and Theodosia looked at him, neither of them showing the level of aggression Alexander thought he deserved. He felt as if his stomach had fallen out through his feet. Guilt weighed heavy on his heart.

“It’s not you,” Laurens said. “But it might be what happened to you.”

Laurens turned to Bellamy and Theodosia. “How much do you know about what happened?”

“Not much,” Theodosia admitted. “Aaron doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“Idiot,” Laurens sighed and shook his head. “I bloody told him – nightmares are a classic sign of PTSD.”

“But you got him that psychologist,” Alexander protested. “He goes, I know he does, he’s always exhausted after.”

“A psychologist can’t fix everything,” Laurens said. “It’s more like your physiotherapy sessions. They can help, but you have to do the work. And you need more than just your therapist.”

“We’ll talk to him,” Alexander decided, but Bellamy shook his head.

“When was the last time you heard Aaron talk about his feelings? If we try and talk about it, he’ll just withdraw further.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Theodosia said, and that earned a reluctant nod from Bellamy. If anyone could get Aaron to talk, it would be Theodosia. In the meantime, they let him sleep. At one point, he rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s middle. Laurens declared himself in charge of the evening meal. To everyone’s amusement, Bellamy immediately volunteered to help, despite going to extreme lengths to avoid Aaron’s usual attempts to draft him. Even Laurens noticed, looking distinctly smug as he set Bellamy to work chopping potatoes.

After two hours asleep, Aaron began to stir. The first sign of wakefulness was him nuzzling against Alexander’s hip. A few moments later, he shifted onto his back and opened his eyes. He blinked up at Alexander, slow and sleepy and full of mellow affection. Alexander felt as if his heart might burst. The look faded into embarrassment as he woke up fully, but Alexander liked to think the warmth in his eyes did not falter.

“Sorry,” Aaron said, sitting up straight and stretching. “How long was I out?”

“A couple of hours.”

Aaron hummed and stretched a little more. The hem of his shirt rode up, and Alexander could not stop himself from staring at the strip of skin revealed, despite having seen Aaron shirtless the day before. There was something infinitely more tantalizing about this stolen intimacy.

“I should get started on dinner.”

“Under control,” Bellamy called from the kitchen. Aaron jumped to his feet and turned. His jaw dropped when he saw Bellamy working in the kitchen. After a few moments, he shook his head and dropped back down onto the sofa, distressingly out of reach.

“Fifteen years we’ve known each other, and I can count the number of times he’s helped me on one hand.”

“It’s because you’re lousy in bed,” Bellamy told him. Alexander heard a crashing sound, and when he looked over, he saw Laurens had dropped several pots and pans on the ground, including one on his foot.

“You know perfectly well that’s not true,” Aaron said, rolling his eyes. “I remember our trip to Bali perfectly well. Besides, I’m not the one who didn’t learn what a clitoris was until he was twenty-two. I don’t know how you ever convinced women to stay with you.”

“It’s hardly my fault I was so bad at being heterosexual,” Bellamy countered, pointing at Aaron with the knife as he did so. “And you’re one to talk about being single. How long has it been this time?”

Aaron winced, but he said, “There’s a difference between getting someone into bed and keeping them there.”

The words were delivered with such confidence that Alexander felt his head spin. Bellamy opened his mouth to argue, but Theodosia cut him off, insisting that she’d heard this argument enough times already. Bellamy pouted.

“They have this argument often?” Alexander managed to ask.

“It’s worse when they’re already drunk,” Theodosia sighed. Bellamy visibly flushed, while Aaron ducked his head and stared at the ground. When Alexander made eye contact with Theodosia, she rolled her eyes.

“Speaking of alcohol,” Laurens said, “I need a drink after that.”

“You’re just jealous,” Bellamy said slyly.

“You know how to fix that,” Laurens said, but still made a beeline for the fridge. It started as just one or two drinks, but one or two became five or six, and before the evening was old they were all roaringly drunk. Boardgames were brought out again, this time with a strict rule against Monopoly. Four drinks in, Bellamy gave up his usual seat by Aaron’s side in favour of Laurens’ lap. Aaron and Theodosia let out identical, exhausted sighs and drained their drinks.

“Remind me never to invite Bellamy anywhere again,” Aaron told Alexander.

“He has a key to your house. That might be hard,” Alexander pointed out. That drew a laugh from Aaron. After a moment of uncertainty, Alexander gathered his courage and moved to Bellamy’s vacated seat. Across the table, Laurens gave him a thumbs up.

The rest of the night passed in a pleasant haze of drinking, games, and easy affection. To Alexander’s delight, Aaron proved to be a cuddly drunk. By eleven, he was leaning against Alexander. He had one arm slung around Alexander’s shoulder, and every now and then he would reach up to fuss with Alexander’s hair. There was scarcely an inch to play with, but Aaron seemed fascinated. Nevertheless, it made Alexander’s heart ache, and he could not tell if it was out of loss for his long hair or affection for Aaron.

“I miss my long hair,” Alexander admitted. Aaron hummed and said,

“It did look nice. Unprofessional, but nice.”

Alexander gaped at him. “Did you just insult me?”

“Mm. Complimented you, too,” Aaron said, and looked up at him with a crooked smile. “Why? Are you complaining?”

In the face of such a smile, Alexander did not have it in him to complain. He brought a hand to Aaron’s cheek, smiling when Aaron leaned into the touch for a few moments before pulling away and turning his attention back to the game at hand. Despite the fact that he was losing badly, Alexander did not turn his attention from Aaron. He was more than happy to lose if it meant he could revel in Aaron’s affections for a few minutes longer.

Bellamy and Laurens disappeared shortly around midnight, leaving no ambiguity as to what their intentions were. The rest of them stayed up for another hour before retiring. Alexander spent most of the hour yawning and dozing on Aaron’s shoulder, but he resisted all attempts to get him to go to bed. He would much rather sleep on top of Aaron than in a real bed. He grumbled all the way up the stairs. He fully intended to complain to Laurens if he was awake, but the bedroom was cold and empty when Alexander walked in. He changed quickly into his pyjamas, yawning and shivering the entire time. He did not get more than half his weight on the bed before he heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he found Aaron on his doorstep with a strained expression.

“They’re in our bed,” he complained and invited himself in. “I’m sleeping here tonight. I’m not going back in there, even when they’re done.”

Alexander blinked at him a couple of times, tired enough that it took time for the words to register in his mind. “You were sharing a bed with Bellamy?”

“It was Bellamy or Theo, and Theo snores,” Aaron shrugged. “Do you have a spare set of pyjamas? Bastards didn’t even put my things out.”

Alexander did not, but he did have a t-shirt, which was at least more comfortable than Aaron’s button-up. Aaron changed into it in the middle of the room, not sparing one single thought for modesty. Alexander did his best not to stare. It would be rude to take advantage of Aaron’s bare skin in such an explicitly non-sexual situation, but it was hard not to look when Alexander was too tipsy to remember that. For his part, Aaron showed neither shame nor pride in his body. Once stripped down to his underwear and Alexander’s t-shirt, he dived under the covers of Laurens’ bed, still grumbling.

The next morning, Alexander woke to a splitting headache. He groaned and buried his head deeper in the pillow. He’d forgotten how bad hangovers could be. When he managed to sit up, he found Aaron in much the same condition. Unlike Alexander, Aaron had apparently pushed through it, as he had a bottle of water and a packet of paracetamol by his bed. He tossed a spare bottle to Alexander, and the painkillers a moment later. Alexander grunted in thanks and took two pills.

“Are the others up?”

“Theodosia is making crepes,” Aaron said. “Bellamy and Laurens are still in bed, and I’ll be damned if I check on them.”

Alexander gave a snort of laughter. “See too much last night?”

Aaron put a hand over his face and rubbed his temples. “Neither of them have any shame. They thought it was funny.”

Downstairs, they were greeted by three crepes each and a large jar of nutella. Most importantly, there was a large pot of coffee on the kitchen table. Seizing the coffee, Aaron looked at Theodosia and said,

“This is why I love you.”

“You love me for a lot more than that,” Theodosia said, passing him the milk for his coffee. Aaron nodded, his mouth already half-stuffed with food. Theodosia snorted.

“You’re a mess in the mornings,” she told him, but her voice was warm with affection. Aaron only hummed in response. He gulped down an entire mug of coffee and immediately poured himself a second, something that was very unusual for Aaron to do.

It was late morning by the time Bellamy staggered down the stairs, shirtless and clutching at his head. As soon as he did, Aaron turned up the volume of the music playing. The sudden increase in volume made Bellamy flinch, and he made a rude gesture in Aaron’s direction.

“Petty bitch,” he muttered. Aaron turned the volume up higher again. That drew a wince from Bellamy, along with at least a dozen swear words. “Fuck, fuck, okay, I’m sorry.”

Aaron looked at him, humming and tapping his chin. He turned the music down a fraction. Relief spread across Alexander’s face, and when he made eye contact with Aaron, he turned the volume down further.

“I won’t kick you out of bed again,” Bellamy promised.

“You’re not getting a chance,” Aaron told him. “Do you really think I want to go anywhere near that bed after what you got up to last night? You and Laurens can deal with the mess you left. I’ll sleep elsewhere.”

“That’s fair,” Bellamy said. He drained three glasses of water and then said, “Aaron?”

“What?”

“Did we really invite you to join?”

Across the room, Theodosia choked on her cup of tea. Alexander felt something ugly and spiteful twist in his chest, and he realized he was very invested in Aaron’s answer.

“Unfortunately,” was what Aaron had to say. He pulled a face as he said it, apparently disgusted.

“And when you said no, we - “

“You made several suggestions, all of them unhelpful,” Aaron said. His tone grew colder and sterner at those words, and there was genuine anger in his eyes when he looked at his friend. Bellamy winced.

“I am sorry,” he said.

“You had so many options,” Aaron sighed, shaking his head. “You could’ve gone elsewhere. You could’ve locked the door. Jesus Christ, even college students are smart enough to put a sock on the door, but you - “

“Aaron,” Theodosia said, her voice cutting Aaron’s rant short. He fell silent immediately. “You’ve made your point.”

The tension remained in the air throughout the morning, but both Bellamy and Aaron began to relax over lunch. By the evening, their argument had been all but forgotten.

The last few days of their holiday were blissfully free of arguments. Aaron and Laurens swapped beds for the remainder of the visit, giving Alexander unexpected insight into Aaron’s sleeping habits. Bellamy had been correct, Aaron was plagued by nightmares. He tossed and turned the whole night, sometimes sitting bolt upright in bed, occasionally even crying in his sleep. When Alexander tried to talk to him about it, Aaron claimed he hadn’t noticed the nightmares. Alexander may well have believed him, if he had not woken one night to the sound of Aaron shouting his name in terror. Alexander acted on instinct. He stumbled out of bed and dashed to Aaron’s side, touching him and murmuring soothing words without even thinking what he was saying. Aaron stared at him, his eyes dull and blank. After a few seconds he flinched and drew away, pulling his knees up against his chest.

“I’m fine,” he said, his voice cracking as he did so.

“Right, that’s why you’re crying,” Alexander said. He lifted the covers up enough to slide into bed beside Aaron. Rather than protesting, Aaron pressed the length of his body against Alexander’s legs and rested his head in Alexander’s lap. For a few moments, there was silence. Then Aaron let out a great, shuddering breath and said,

“You weren’t moving.”

His voice was cracked and hoarse. His eyes nominally looked towards the wall, but his gaze was unfocused, as if he was seeing something a thousand miles away. He continued,

“Legs don’t bend like that. _Spines_ don’t bend like that, and you weren’t moving, and - “

The words came faster and faster, crashing together. Aaron’s berath came in short, shallow bursts, barely filling his chest. Panic began to rise in Alexander’s own chest. He had no idea how to handle this. Aaron needed help, but Alexander had never been good at offering comfort. He rubbed Aaron’s back. When that didn’t work, he reached out and took one of Aaron’s hands and squeezed it gently.

“Hey. I’m right here. I’m fine.”

Aaron closed his eyes, tucking his chin a little closer to his chest. Tears slipped from his eyes, leaving Alexander’s thigh damp.

“You weren’t breathing.”

“Huh,” Alexander said, because he did not have the faintest idea how to respond to that. He cast his mind back, sifting through his memories of pain and fear for information. “I remember that.”

Aaron shifted a little so he could look up at Alexander’s face. “You do?”

Alexander nodded. “Something hit me in the chest, and I couldn’t – I tried to exhale, but there was nothing. And then I opened my eyes, and you were there.”

“And you decided we were dating.”

“We should be dating,” Alexander said, the words leaving his mouth before he realized what he was saying. He flushed and added, “It’s not my fault I didn’t know what was happening.”

“I’m the one that hit you in the chest. Probably responsible for one of the cracked ribs. CPR isn’t gentle,” Aaron told him. He ignored what Alexander had said, and Alexander could not decide if that was a blessing or deeply offensive. If it was the latter, Alexander decided to forgive him. He was not sure how long it had taken for the ambulance to arrive, but it had to have been minutes.

“You saved my life.”

Aaron sighed. “Maybe.”

“Definitely. I’m alive, right?” Alexander said. He lifted Aaron’s hand and placed it against his chest. “I’m breathing now. Heart’s beating. All generally considered signs that someone is alive, but if you need an expert’s opinion, we could get Laurens – although that does risk walking in on him and Bellamy again, I suppose you’re not interested in that. Or - “

“Alexander,” Aaron said, and there was a new, warm note in his voice. His lips pressed together and amusement sparkled in his eyes. After a few seconds, he gave up his apparent battle. “You don’t have to list every trait that makes someone alive.”

“Well. You seemed to forget. I’d better spend the night here, just to make sure you don’t forget again.”

“You are utterly transparent,” Aaron told him with a snort, but he did not protest when Alexander shuffled down so he could lie down. The single bed was not designed to hold two adult men, but Alexander made it work, poking and prodding Aaron until he rolled onto his side. Alexander pressed close behind him, wrapping an arm around Aaron’s waist. Before he had a chance to ask Aaron if he was comfortable, Aaron began to snore. Grinning, Alexander pressed his forehead to the back of Aaron’s skull and closed his eyes. Perhaps it was wrong of him to take advantage of Aaron’s distress, but he could not complain when it drove Aaron into his arms. If this was to be the only night they spent together, Alexander would cherish every second.

Alexander woke the next morning not to Aaron in his arms, but Aaron sprawled out on top of him. At some point, Alexander had rolled over, and Aaron had pushed his whole body on top of him. There was no way for Alexander to get up without disturbing him, and after last night, Alexander would be damned if he woke Aaron up. Instead, he resigned himself to a morning trapped beneath Aaron. Rather than being bored, he found himself entranced by his companion. This was a chance to commit every little detail to memory so that it could never be stolen away. He listened to the sound of Aaron’s breathing, took comfort in his weight heavy across Alexander’s chest. Aaron was relaxed in a way he rarely was awake, and the sight of him so at ease made Alexander’s heart melt. The smell of his soap mingled with the sweat from the previous day. Such a simple, mundane thing ought not have been so appealing, but Alexander found himself breathing deeply. This, he told himself, he would remember, even if he lost everything else when his memory returned. He would not let himself forget Aaron.

Eventually, Aaron woke. He pushed himself up from Alexander and looked away, avoiding Alexander’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“The only thing to be sorry for is getting up. I’m cold.”

Despite the embarrassment radiating off him, Aaron let out a small huff of amusement at that. “You’ll warm up. I’m going to make breakfast.”

Alexander lingered for a few minutes before following him downstairs. By the time he joined Aaron in the kitchen, a pot of coffee was halfway to done and Aaron had pulled out a bag of oats and a variety of fruit.

“Coffee’s brewing. Theo’s in the shower,” Aaron yawned. Alexander nodded. When the coffee was done, he poured two cups without a word and passed one to Aaron. He yawned instead of thanking him, but the warm, sleepy smile he sent Alexander a moment later was worth all the thanks in the world.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for commenting! We're probably 2-3 chapters out from the end here, depending when I put chapter breaks in.

Too soon, their holiday came to an end. The five of them packed up the house and piled their things into the back of Aaron’s van and Laurens’ bike. When they returned to the world, Alexander was dismayed to find things changed. With Alexander on the mend, Laurens and Aaron could no longer justify taking time from work to sit with him. Alexander’s days crept by at a petty pace, filled with nothing but nothingness. It became harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.

As he watched his routine melt away, Alexander gathered his strength and committed to several new projects. At Aaron’s suggestion, he began to browse online university courses. Law and the economy had always been his primary area of interest, but the idea of tackling a degree in an area he had once known was an uncomfortable one. The idea sent tendrils of anxiety down his spine, unfurling in his chest and choking him. Instead, he looked at the full range of topics on offer. He considered history, but decided obsessing over the lives of long-dead men was morbid and dull. In any case, the only thing more useless than an arts degree was a fine arts degree, and he did not want to waste his time. Commerce and business subjects held some interest, but when he began the readings he found himself impatient with the slow pace. For all many of the concepts were new to him, some part of him reacted with disdain as if he had heard the ideas a thousand times. He shelved those books quickly. He disliked how angry they made him, and he was not yet convinced he wanted to remember his old self.

He turned to the science department in sheer desperation. He did not expect to find anything of interest, but a lecture on the applications of statistical mechanics caught his eye. He understood only one word in ten, but even he could see there was a kind of elegance in the elaborate mathematics used to describe the world. When the lecturer moved on to develop a model for the economy from scratch, his mind was made up. He looked at the requirements for the course, swallowed his nerves, and applied for an undergraduate mathematics degree. He did not even think about fees until he received an email from the university.

_Dear Mr Hamilton,_

_We are delighted to offer you a position in our undergraduate mathematics program. Based on your academic record, you are eligible for the Fields Scholarship to cover the full cost of your academic studies._

Alexander stared at the email. He read it three times over, hardly able to believe his eyes. A grin spread slowly across his face. He’d never fancied himself a mathematician, but if this was what it took to get a new understanding of the economy, he would face the challenge head on. He had timed his impulse well; the new academic semester would start the following week.

When Aaron returned home that evening, he had a bounce in his step. It was a refreshing change from his usual post-work exhaustion, but Alexander did not dwell on why that could be. Instead, he announced,

“I got a full scholarship.”

Aaron stared at him blankly. “I think I’m missing some context.”

“I signed up for a bachelor in mathematics,” Alexander said. Aaron’s eyebrows shot up.

“I thought you were just going to do courses online?” Aaron said, but a moment later he shook his head and smiled. “No, you’re right, this is better.”

“I start Monday,” Alexander told him. Aaron beamed at him.

“I’m sure you’ll do very well,” Aaron said. “But – mathematics?”

By way of explanation, Alexander showed him the lecture that had won him over. Aaron watched it while he prepared the evening meal, but Aaron did not share Alexander’s fascination. He watched the lecture with an expression of open befuddlement. He scrunched his face and tilted his head, but no matter how hard he focused, he did not seem to see the beauty that had entranced Alexander. When he finished, he shook his head and said,

“Well, if that’s what you want.”

That very Saturday, the two of them went shopping for university supplies. Aaron flat out refused to set foot in the university bookshop on the grounds that they would charge ten times the price, so they made do with various office supply stores. They found Alexander’s textbooks online. As Aaron had said, they were substantially cheaper than the bookshop, allowing Alexander to buy all the books he needed without fretting about the money.

By Monday, Alexander was a mess of anxiety and nerves. He arrived at his first lecture fifteen minutes early and took a seat near the front. Other students started to trickle in. Most of them gave him a wide berth, but Alexander quickly decided the awkwardness of sitting alone beat the awkwardness of trying to befriend teenagers. The lecture itself proved to be remarkably dull, dedicated to administrative business and setting expectations. It was only in the last fifteen minutes they addressed the content of the course. Alexander left disappointed, but hopeful that his next class would be better.

The next class launched right in with the content. Within minutes, panic started to rise in Alexander’s chest. He was in over his head. Words were his strength, so what was he doing here? In a panic, he stuck up his hand and said,

“You didn’t define what a field is.”

“Oh, thank fuck,” a student behind him whispered. The professor frowned at him, but when Alexander glanced around, most of the students stared at him with a kind of pathetic gratitude. The professor began again, and this time, things made sense. Alexander left, if not satisfied, then hopeful he could muddle through his work.

He set up a study space at Aaron’s dining table, opposite where Aaron himself sat to work late. The professor’s lecturing left much to be desired, but Alexander could work with that. He had taught himself most of what he knew. He could teach himself this, too.

By the time Aaron returned from work, Alexander was several pages deep in mathematical proofs. Ink stained his fingers and face. Now that he had books and paper to work with, he found the work was easier than he had thought. It was no different to setting out an argument: you made your definitions and argued until the truth was irrefutable. If there was one thing he was good at, it was arguing. He was so absorbed scarcely even heard Aaron come in, jumping when the other man greeted him with a light touch to the shoulder.

“Enjoying yourself?”

“Uh-huh,” Alexander said. He finished the line he was writing before looking up with a grin.

“The asshole teaching made it seem complicated, but it’s not.”

“If you say so,” Aaron said, eyeing the page full of Alexander’s working as if it were some vicious animal that might try to bite him. Alexander snorted. As dearly as he cared for Aaron, he could not deny Aaron lacked any numerical or mathematical sense.

Alexander’s studies became another key piece of his life. Three times a week, he took himself to the university for his classes. Every day, he spent three hours on his studies. When he ran out of assigned coursework, he moved on to more advanced material. The work gave him a new focus. Even when it was frustrating, he found he enjoyed having something to work on while Aaron tapped away on his laptop across the table from him.

As Halloween approached, Bellamy took the opportunity to share more and more embarrassing stories from Aaron’s past. It did not take long for a clear trend to emerge, and the combination of Aaron, alcohol, and music ended in one of two ways. Some years, such as the year Hercules had encountered them, Bellamy ended up taking Aaron home and spending the night with him. It was usually a long night, with Aaron alternating between vomiting and waking Bellamy up to tell him how much he loved him. Other years, Aaron disappeared without a trace and woke up in a stranger’s bed, often with no idea how he got there. When Aaron wasn’t around, Bellamy admitted those years were worse for him. While Aaron was an adult, he had remarkably poor judgement, especially when drunk.

Consequently, Alexander found himself anxious as Halloween approached. If not for Laurens’ urging, he would have entirely forgotten to organize a costume. As it was, he ended up with Laurens taking him to the costume shop at the last minute. It nearly ended in a brawl when one man tried to grab Alexander’s crutches, assuming they were part of a costume, but before they were asked to leave, they managed to snag a cape and a set of vampire teeth. Combined with some of the black clothes from Alexander’s wardrobe, it would do.

But to Alexander’s surprise and relief, Aaron did not spend Halloween trying to flirt with strangers. He spent most of the evening at the table he had staked out with his friends, and most of his time there glued to Alexander’s side. The only time any stranger approached him was when he went to the bar to get a drink. Without fail, someone would approach him, flirting and teasing and trying to buy him drinks. Each time it happened, Alexander glowered at the scene. Bellamy, meanwhile, delighted in watching Aaron try to squirm out of their grasp and reject their advances. After the third time it happened, he leaned over and said,

“Alexander, you’re a miracle worker. He’s six drinks in and he’s still wearing all his clothes. I’ve never seen him so well behaved.”

Alexander stared at him. “What does that have to do with me?”

“Bells, remember, you said Aaron’s still working through it,” Laurens said, carding his fingers through Bellamy’s hair and pulling him back into his seat. “Don’t throw him under the bus like that.”

“Working through _what_?” Alexander wanted to know, but a moment later Aaron returned with a round of drinks for the table. While most of them were content with beer, Aaron had bought himself an elaborate cocktail designed to look suspiciously like blood. He sat down beside Alexander and took a sip, staining his lips red. Alexander stared at his mouth. When Aaron caught him looking, he smiled and held the cup out to Alexander.

“Try it.”

Unable to refuse him, Alexander obeyed. The cocktail was some variety of mulled wine, heavily spiced and laced with notes of plum. He licked his lips clean when he pulled back and was delighted to see Aaron’s eyes dart down to his mouth.

“It’s good,” Alexander murmured, making sure to brush his fingers against Aaron’s as he passed the glass back. Aaron gulped and took another sip, averting his eyes from Alexander’s growing smirk. Despite everything he had said, Aaron was interested in him. There was no other way to explain the slowly growing flush on Aaron’s face, or his sudden inability to meet Alexander’s eyes. As the night progressed, Aaron’s posture worsened. He began to slump first against the table, then against Alexander. The more he drank, the more complimentary and affectionate he became.

After several more drinks, he took Alexander’s hand and tugged him to his feet. Alexander could not hear a word he was saying over the music, but how could he not follow Aaron when he smiled so prettily? Bellamy said something, but Laurens (dear, sweet Laurens) distracted him, letting Alexander steal away with Aaron.

Aaron led him to the dance floor, looping his arms around Alexander’s neck. He then began a beautiful, hypnotic dance, moving his torso in his hips in a way that made Alexander’s head spin. Several times, strangers tried to intervene and pry Aaron away from him. The interruptions made Alexander’s blood surge with rage, but each time, Aaron simply laughed and reattached himself to Alexander’s side, insisting he was exactly where he wanted to be.

They left the club around 4 AM. Bellamy fretted over Aaron the entire time, threatening Alexander with a variety of horrific fates if any harm came to him on the way home. Laurens seemed to find his worry amusing. When they separated, he tugged Bellamy away with an arm around his waist and told Alexander to have a good night. In the taxi on the way home, Alexander found himself with Aaron staring at him the entire time, smiling at Alexander and showing him in compliments. He insisted on holding Alexander’s hand. Once inside, it took Alexander nearly an hour to coax Aaron to bed. When he tried to leave, Aaron reached out and caught his hand again.

“Stay.”

Alexander’s heart broke. He must have done something truly evil to have the world dangle this kind of intimacy in front of his face. His hesitation only encouraged Aaron, who tugged a little on his hand and said,

“Please?”

After taking a second to weigh his options, Alexander caved. As soon as he put one knee on the bed, Aaron beamed at him. Once Alexander lay down, Aaron snuggled as close as possible and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s middle.

“You’re the best,” he sighed happily, then, almost too slurred and soft to be understood, he added, “love you.”

Without any further ado, Aaron fell asleep. Exhaustion tugged Alexander under only minutes later, still wishing Aaron’s words were real. When Alexander woke the next morning, he found Aaron still fast asleep. Alexander used the opportunity to extract himself and flee downstairs. If Aaron forgot the last night entirely – well, what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him.

It was past noon before Aaron woke, and past four before he was well enough to be his usual self. The first thing he did was apologize to Alexander for any inappropriate behaviour he may have shown the night before. 'May have shown', Alexander noticed, because he did not remember leaving the club. Alexander decided to keep his mouth shut. Aaron was skeptical when he insisted there was nothing to forgive, but he did not press the matter.

__________________________________________________________

As if confirming Alexander’s fears, Aaron’s behaviour changed after Halloween. Instead of indulging Alexander’s regular demands for affection, he began to retreat. He avoided meaningful conversation and hid his feelings behind a pretty false smile. Alexander hated it. Every time he saw the hollow smile on Aaron’s face, he had to resist the urge to scream. He began to attack Aaron, sharpening his words into painful barbs to try and provoke a reaction. If anything it had the opposite of the intended effect. Aaron retreated further, going as far as to avoid Alexander entirely when he was home.

Aaron remained stubbornly distant until things reached a new low. He came home in a foul mood. Even his usual smile was missing, and he did not spare Alexander a second glance in greeting. Taking the hint, Alexander gave him some space. He bunkered down at the table with an assignment on vector spaces and did his best to ignore the sounds of pots clashing and bottles clicking together from the kitchen. The pattering of thousands of grains of rice hitting the ground (punctuated with an emphatic “fuck” from Aaron) put an end to that. Alexander looked up. Aaron stared at the rice, expression unreadable. Then, slowly, he sank down to his knees. Alexander put his work aside and walked around the kitchen bench. Aaron sat on his knees, his head buried in his hands as he breathed deep, hiccuping breaths. Sympathy tugged at Alexander’s heartstrings. He stepped forward and squatted down beside Aaron, wrapping both his arms around him. Aaron’s entire body went tense, but Alexander did not pull back. Instead, he stroked his back and murmured soothing nonsense until he began to relax, muscle by muscle. Aaron shifted his forehead from his own hands to Alexander’s shoulder, then tentatively wrapped his arms around Alexander. After several minutes like that, Alexander asked,

“Are you going to tell me why you’re so miserable dropping some rice made you cry?”

“I don’t know where to begin,” Aaron mumbled. There were a million things Alexander could say to that, but none of them seemed quite right. In place of words, he rubbed Aaron’s back a couple of times and coaxed him to his feet.

“You’re going to sit on the couch. I’m going to make you that awful tea you like and order take out. And then we either talk, or call Theodosia.”

At the mention of Theodosia’s name, Aaron flinched and shook his head. “No. I can’t ask more of her.”

“But - “

“I can’t,” Aaron insisted, and his voice cracked. His shoulders hunched a little further, and his forehead pressed a little more firmly into Alexander’s shoulder. “I can’t. Alexander, it’s too much.”

The pain in Aaron’s voice felt like a knife in Alexander’s heart. He kissed the top of Aaron’s head without thinking and said, “Okay, okay. But you’re talking to me once you’re feeling better, and then I’m going to fix it. Got it?”

There was a pause, then Aaron let out a huff of something that was almost laughter. When he looked up, there was a weak little smile on his face. “Only you would be arrogant enough to assume you can fix everything.”

“Because I can,” Alexander said confidently, and shepherded him over to the couch. Once Aaron was settled and had a stack of take-away menus in front of him, Alexander went back to the kitchen. He made the promised tea, as well as sweeping up the rice and putting away everything Aaron had been using to cook. Once done, he took Aaron his tea and settled down on the couch beside him.

“You ordered food? Good, now spill.”

“Bossy,” Aaron snorted. At first he said nothing. Instead, he wrapped both hands around his tea and lifted the drink to his mouth, inhaling the steam and letting out a deep sigh. For once, Alexander was patient. After a long silence, he spoke, looking at Alexander and watching for a reaction.

“I wasn’t lying when I said it was a lot. I’m not sure where to start, and I’ll miss things.”

“Doesn’t matter. The first draft isn’t about getting something right. It’s about getting it done.”

“Right,” Aaron said, and took a sip of his drink. He flinched a little when the scalding liquid burned his lips, but he did not put it down. Instead he lowered it so his hands and mug sat neatly in his lap. After a few seconds, he let out a hollow sounding laugh.

“I’m sorry. It’s just – you were right. Before,” Aaron stopped and swallowed heavily. His grip on his mug tightened a little. “Right before it happened, the fight. You told me I’d made a mistake. God, you’d be thrilled to see me like this.”

“No. I hate it,” Alexander said. He shifted closer to Aaron so that their thighs touched. “I’m not him.”

“No,” Aaron agreed, and leaned against him. He let out a long sigh and relaxed a fraction. Despite his exhaustion, there was affection in his voice when he said, “You’re different.”

The words brought a smile to Alexander’s face, and he gave in to the urge to wrap an arm around Aaron’s shoulders. His past self must have been a fool not to love Aaron.

A few moments passed in silence before Aaron spoke again.

“I want you to know, I’m good at my job. There’s a reason I got this far without the kind of support y- without Washington’s support. But he’s been trying to push me out, giving me shit cases and not enough time to do them. Until you came along, I hadn’t had a weekend in six months.

“Jefferson offered me a way out. Said if I pulled off the defence for a friend of his, he’d get me transferred and promoted to his department. I took the deal. You were furious when you found out. I thought you were just jealous that someone else got to lead a high profile case, but – I wonder.

“Thing is, Jefferson’s friend is guilty. I’d bet my life on it. And if he isn't convicted, he will do this again. More people will be hurt. I can win the case, but at what cost?”

“Sounds like you need a different job,” Alexander said. Aaron’s head snapped up, and he stared at Alexander with an unusual intensity. Alexander raised his eyebrows. “What? You clearly hate it. Washington and Jefferson are both assholes. What’s keeping you there?”

There was a long pause, then Aaron’s shoulder’s started to shake. A second later, he let out a hollow sounding laugh. “You’re right.”

“And that’s funny, why?”

“You’ve told me to quit so many times,” Aaron snorted. “You wanted me gone the minute you decided we weren’t friends. God, I’ve lost count of the number of times you tried to get rid of me.”

“ _I_ didn’t,” Alexander insisted, heavy emphasis on the ‘I’. Aaron’s laughter stopped, and his gaze softened. The tears in his eyes had not vanished, but there was a smile back on his face.

“No. You didn’t. But you know what I mean. And now – you’re right. It’s not worth it.”

“I told you I’d fix everything,” Alexander boasted, and Aaron laughed again. He rested his cheek against Alexander’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“That’s not everything. There are some things even you can’t fix. But having you here with me helps.”

The confession was soft and quiet, so quiet Alexander might have missed it if he had not been listening for it.

“Do you want to talk about the rest?”

Aaron shook his head. “Some of it’s about you and what happened. I don’t want to make you deal with that.”

Alexander considered pushing him, but reluctantly decided against it. Aaron was plainly exhausted after what he had already shared. There were deep bags under his eyes, and while Alexander considered his options he yawned widely and put his head back on Alexander’s shoulder. Despite his earlier unhappiness, he seemed perfectly content curled up against Alexander, his muscles loose and relaxed. Alexander would not interrupt this peace for the world.

After that, Alexander kept a closer eye on Aaron’s mood. He began to notice the little signs his mood was slipping, as well as all the things that could trigger it. Some of them were everyday annoyances everyone battled with, like a difficult employer or worry about his friends. Others were less benign. Some nights he came home from work with barely enough energy to make it upstairs, let alone cook or tend to himself. Some mornings he came downstairs with deep shadows under his eyes, indicating another sleepless night.

Perhaps worst of all, a selection of Aaron’s triggers plainly related to his own accident. He hated the sight of Alexander in purple and avoided looking at him at all costs, even if nothing else was wrong. Traffic alarmed him, and a red car appearing out of nowhere terrified him. As more time passed, it became clearer and clearer to Alexander that Laurens had been right. Witnessing the accident had left Aaron with deep scars. His therapist helped, but it was plainly not enough. Alexander could not take the pain away, but he made a point of learning Aaron’s moods and triggers and managing them, making sure he had Alexander there as support whenever he needed it.

Even as Alexander learnt more about Aaron’s struggles, he saw them begin to improve. A few weeks after Halloween, he interrupted Thursday dinner with a toast. Theodosia, Bellamy, and Laurens were all present, eager to hear Aaron’s news. With a bottle of champagne in hand, he announced,

“At Alexander’s advice, I began a job search a few weeks ago. I’m pleased to say it has been successful. Starting in the new year, I’ll be working with a local charity as part of the legal team.”

The small group broke out into a raucous celebration. Aaron practically glowed under the praise that was rained down upon him. It would, he conceded, be a significant paycut, but the work would actually matter. Alexander could not have been happier for him. If only he could fix the rest of Aaron's problems so easily.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all of your support so far!
> 
> Looking at what I've got left, we've got just two chapters left before I wrap this up. Enjoy!

The news of Aaron’s new job did not leave their small group for several weeks. It was not until the last possible minute that Aaron handed in his notice to Washington. To add insult to injury, Alexander waited outside Washington’s office. When the two of them stepped out, Washington’s face was like a thunderstorm. Fearless, Alexander beamed and bounced over to Aaron’s side.

“You’re out?”

Aaron gave a tiny nod. For a moment, Washington’s expression darkened, before he schooled it into a polite smile.

“Alexander. I didn’t realize you were waiting to see me.”

“I was waiting for Aaron,” Alexander said, and bit back a snicker at the tiny flinch Washington gave.

“In any case, I’ve been meaning to speak with you. The firm Christmas party is coming up this Friday. We’d be delighted if you came.”

“That’s a shame, you’re going to be disappointed,” Alexander told him, grinning. Ordinarily, Aaron would have interrupted by now to tell him to behave. Emboldened by the lack of interruption, he grabbed Aaron’s hand and led him out of the building. When they stepped into the lift, there was a smile on Aaron’s face.

“You’re a terror.”

“You love me for it.”

Aaron’s eyes skittered away from Alexander’s face, but his smile did not falter. “I’m glad to be out of there.”

A peculiar stutter seized Alexander’s heart. Aaron’s reaction made little sense for a man who held no romantic interest in Alexander. For the first time, he considered the possibility that Aaron may not be entirely out of reach. The idea filled him with delight unlike anything he had ever known. A smile spread over his face that he could not shake away, and there was a new bounce in his step. He felt like he was floating. As he followed Aaron out of the elevator, he realized why. Alexander froze in the middle of the lobby, his smile fading from his face. He loved Aaron. This was not simple attraction, and it had wormed its way deeper into his heart than a simple crush. Alexander was in love. He forced the idea away, unwilling to deal with it. He would process his feelings another time. 

A few paces ahead, Aaron stopped and turned on his heel. There was concern on his face as he looked back towards Alexander. “Is something wrong?”

Alexander shook his head. “Nothing. Just thinking about you.”

Aaron’s eyes narrowed, but whatever he suspicions he harbored, he said nothing more of. He let Alexander distract him with a sunny smile, and together they stepped out into the brisk autumn afternoon.

The office Christmas party was worse than Alexander had expected.

He had not planned on attending at all, until he realized Aaron would be attending. The opportunity to spend an evening leering at Aaron in one of his tailored suits was too good to pass up, even if the price was being polite to Washington. So with Hercules’ help, he bought a suit and styled his hair. When he stepped out of his room, he watched Aaron’s eyes flick from his hair to his chest to his ass before he caught himself and looked away. Alexander grinned. He swaggered over to Aaron, enjoying the way Aaron plainly struggled not to look at him. But before Alexander could think of an appropriately witty line, Aaron said,

“We should be going.”

The party was held in a cocktail bar located at the top of a skyscraper. Upon entrance, they were offered a tray of cocktails. Alexander floundered for a second, having no idea what he liked, before settling on a martini for the aesthetic. Aaron shamelessly picked out something bright yellow and fruity and seemed delighted by his choice. When he offered Alexander a sip, he could not blame him for looking so pleased. The sweet drink tasted strongly of passionfruit and scarcely of alcohol at all, although Alexander strongly suspected two or three would be enough knock him out. If drinking with Aaron had taught him one thing, it was that the sweetest drinks were the most dangerous.

They parted shortly after entering – Aaron to mingle, Alexander to explore. While there was plenty to discover, Alexander found himself drawn to the floor-to-ceiling windows. New York sprawled out before them as a writhing mass of blinking lights. Alexander was transfixed. He spent several minutes staring in silence and would have been content to spend several more, if a woman had not stepped forward to introduce herself and inquire after his health. They had apparently been friends and colleagues before the accident. In the months since then, she explained, the office had been an unhappy place to be. The loss of one team member ought not to have increased their workload threefold, but Alexander had been the bedrock of the company. With him gone, things began to fall to pieces. Worse still, Washington’s temper had grown short. He had always been a challenging man to work for, but as strict as he could be, he was also generous with those who impressed him or pleased him. The same was presumably still true, except nothing ever pleased him. Alexander snorted at that. He had plenty of ideas as to what the problem was, but for once, he heeded Aaron’s oft-given advice and kept his mouth shut.

As if on cue, Washington’s voice cut through the chatter. Some part of Alexander turned on instinct before he even recognized the sound. It was a part he deeply wished to excise. But when he turned, he found himself very glad he had done so. Washington had cornered Aaron. Everything from Aaron’s posture to the uncomfortable smile on his face screamed his discomfort. As Alexander watched, his eyes flicked towards the exit. A scowl settled over Alexander’s face.

“Poor Burr,” Alexander’s companion sighed. “I suppose I should rescue him.”

“I will,” Alexander said. The woman he was speaking to looked surprised, but he did not glance back as he stalked over to Aaron and Washington. Twin looks of relief spread over their faces when Alexander approached.

“Alexander, it’s good to see you. I wasn’t sure you’d make it,” Washington said. There was a warm smile on his face that almost certainly had not been there when he had addressed Aaron. Anger boiled in Alexander’s chest, but he bit back his response for Aaron’s sake. He could go one night without insulting someone. He would prove it. He pasted a smile on his face and said,

“Well, I couldn’t let Aaron have all the fun.”

“Mr Burr was just leaving.”

“But - “

“The event is for continuing employees only. I’ll see you at home, Alexander,” Aaron said quietly. His words were quiet, and the undercurrent of defeat in his tone did nothing for Alexander’s temper.

“I see how it is,” Alexander bit out. He turned his back on Washington and said loudly, “Come on, Aaron, I can tell when we’re not wanted.”

Some of the rigidity in Aaron’s expression eased, and there was a new warmth in his eyes that had not been there before. Behind them, Alexander could hear Washington speaking, but he tuned the words out as he steered Aaron towards the exit. He ignored him entirely until he felt a large hand rest on his shoulder. Alexander froze. His will to hold back snapped, and when he turned, it was with cold fury in his eyes.

“Get your hand off me.”

“Son - “

“With all due respect – which, may I add, is none – you’ve got no right to call me that, and I’ve got no reason to tolerate it. I came here tonight with Aaron. If he’s no longer welcome, then neither am I.”

“Alexander,” Aaron interrupted, and Alexander hesitated. If Aaron didn’t want to cause a scene, Alexander would resist for the time being. He allowed Aaron to lead him from the room, and felt not one jot of guilt over the stricken look on Washington’s face. If he had wanted Alexander to stick around, he should have thought twice before driving him away.

In the elevator, Aaron leaned against the back wall. “You shouldn’t start fights on my behalf.”

Alexander snorted. “Oh, that wasn’t on your behalf. It’s for your sake that I didn’t call him a fucking cunt to his face.”

“I take it back. Please do continue to fret about my opinion,” Aaron said, but there was a crooked smile on his face.

“I always worry about your opinion,” Alexander said, honestly. The eye contact that followed was painfully charged, and after a few seconds, Alexander looked away with the tips of his ears burning red. He stayed put when elevator doors opened until Aaron stepped past him, close enough that their shoulders bumped together. When he looked up, he caught Aaron’s eye before Aaron turned and led the way to the taxi rank.

The next Christmas party Alexander was invited to, Aaron avoided. To Alexander’s delight, Laurens invited their whole group of friends over for Christmas itself. Aaron immediately excused himself, saying only that he would be unable to attend. Theodosia declined, citing an opportunity to spend the day with her partner interstate, but Bellamy and Alexander both gladly accepted. The invitation, however, came with a warning that Laurens would also be inviting several more friends who had known Alexander before the accident. They had sworn to be on their best behaviour, but the same expectation applied to Alexander. The expectation was enough to send Alexander’s anxiety into overdrive.

With his classes on hold for the winter break, Alexander found himself with little to distract him from his panic. With nothing better to do, he latched on to the holiday season as a distraction. He started with gifts. Over several days, he took himself to various shopping hubs around the city and bought whatever caught his fancy. At a flea market in Brooklyn he bought Hercules a vintage scarf, and also a six pack of craft beers from a local brewery. For Theodosia he bought a set of finely bound leather notebooks, having seen her stationary collection more than once, while Bellamy would receive a book about photography (which he would appreciate) and an introductory cooking book aimed at college students (which he would not, but needed). Laurens was easy to buy for and would doubtless be thrilled with the new set of boxing gloves Alexander bought him.

The only person Alexander had difficulty with was Aaron. Despite having lived with him for nearly six months, Alexander could not even begin to guess what he might like as a gift. He was content with his wardrobe, and his kitchen was well-stocked. His bookshelves were full, and none of his hobbies required equipment Alexander could purchase. Instead of buying a single gift, he found himself wandering from shop to shop, buying anything he thought might make Aaron smile. In very short order, he found he had spent more than twice his budget.

Pleased, Alexander returned home with a bounce in his step. He squirreled away his gifts at the back of his wardrobe and began to plan. There were no signs of Christmas in Aaron’s apartment. Not one measly string of tinsel had appeared, let alone a Christmas tree. Rather than raise the issue with Aaron, he decided to act. Over the course of a week, he bought a multitude of Christmas decorations and hid them in his room, including a full-sized tree. When Aaron went to bed early one night, he seized his chance and began his decorating spree. He hung lights on every wall and wrapped tinsel around the lamps. After some internal debate, he hung mistletoe in the doorways and told himself Aaron could take it down if he wanted to. Lastly, he put the tree into position, but left it undecorated. In his opinion, decorating the tree was the best part of the process, and it seemed unfair to leave Aaron out of that. Satisfied with his work, Alexander went to bed and dreamed about kissing Aaron in the snow. He had no memories of what the snow was like, but in his dreams, it was a soft, warm thing.

When he woke the next morning, it was to Aaron standing frozen at the foot of the stairs, staring at the room with undisguised horror. When he saw Alexander, he masked the expression with a strained smile.

“This was you?”

“I thought you’d like it,” Alexander said uncertainly.

“I appreciate the thought,” Aaron said. He glanced at the undecorated tree and failed to suppress a shudder. “If you’re looking for company, I’m sure Laurens and Hercules would be delighted to help you decorate.”

“Right,” Alexander said. The world fractured, falling to pieces around him as embarrassment and regret spiraled and choked him. Something must have shown on his face, because Aaron reached out and touched his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I can’t enjoy this with you, but I’ve never been particularly fond of Christmas.”

“I can take it down,” Alexander offered, but Aaron shook his head.

“This is your home, too. I can handle a month of this,” Aaron said. He hesitated, clearly looking for a word to follow “this”, but in the end, he just gestured at the decorations around them.

Despite Aaron’s claims he could handle the Christmas decorations around him, he bolted from the house shortly after that, not even bothering with his morning coffee. Alexander was left standing in the kitchen alone. After indulging in a few minutes sulking, he followed Aaron’s advice and invited over Laurens and Hercules. Hercules arrived first, bringing with him two coffees (for the morning) and a slab of beer (for the afternoon). They started immediately on unpacking the new decorations.

When Laurens arrived, it was with Bellamy in tow. His eyebrows shot up at the sight of the decorations everywhere. He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture, saying, “I can’t believe Aaron let you get away with this. He wouldn’t talk to me for a week when I tried to decorate our apartment in college.”

“He wasn’t thrilled when he woke up,” Alexander admitted, “but he said the decorations could stay up.”

Bellamy let out a low whistle. “Damn, he’s even more whipped than I thought. Come on, then, let’s get to work.”

Decorating the tree took most of the day. If they had been efficient, it might not have, but since none of them had anywhere pressing to be on a Saturday, they took their time. By the time lunchtime rolled around, they had only made their way through half the decorations Alexander had bought. Their pace slowed further in the afternoon when they opened the beers Hercules had bought. Later in the afternoon, they switched from beer to mulled wine. There was a brief debate about who would go and buy the wine, before Bellamy took it upon himself to raid Aaron’s wine collection. By the time Aaron himself returned home after sunset, they had blazed right past “tipsy” into “outrageously drunk”. He paused in the doorway and sighed, shaking his head at them. When he moved to step forward, Bellamy shouted at him to stop. He complied, looking at Bellamy with obvious skepticism.

“What is it?”

“You’re under mistletoe,” Bellamy said, pointing to the branch above his head. Aaron rolled his eyes and kept walking.

“And you’re an idiot.”

Bellamy sighed, pouting. “Remind me again why I’m friends with you?”

Aaron raised an eyebrow and leaned back against the fridge. “Well, when we met - “

“Aaron,” Bellamy said sharply, a note of panic sneaking into his voice. Aaron snickered. Looking past Bellamy to Laurens, he said,

“It was cute, really, he was twelve, and - “

“If you tell that story, I’m telling them about the sleepover incident.”

Aaron’s mouth snapped shut, and his eyes narrowed. “Very well. But if you breathe one more word about mistletoe - “

“I just don’t want you to have bad luck,” Bellamy pouted. The sheer exhaustion in Aaron’s sigh was overwhelming, making him sound far, far older than he was. Without a single word, he poured himself a cup of mulled wine and drained it in one go. He then refilled it and joined them around the kitchen table.

“I take it you had a pleasant day?”

The question was directed at the table in general, but Alexander jumped on it. Fifteen minutes in, he realized he was rambling. The realization prompted a spike of panic, but when he paused to take stock of his audience, he found no signs of frustration on Aaron’s face. He had leaned back in his chair, listening to Alexander with a small, indulgent smile on his face as he sipped his wine. When he caught Alexander looking, he said, “remarkable”, although Alexander was quite sure what he’d been saying had been anything but. He asked Aaron about his day, and Aaron merely shrugged.

“Nothing special. I had my fitness class at eleven, lunch with a friend, and spent the afternoon shopping with another.”

“Does ‘fitness’ in this context mean ‘pole dancing’?” Laurens wanted to know.

“If you must know, yes. But I prefer not to mention that around people who make assumptions.”

There was a note of warning in Aaron’s voice that made Alexander flinch. The only person at the table who did not seem discouraged by his tone was Bellamy, who gave a snort of laughter.

“He means he’s tired of people assuming it’s a sex thing. It’s not. The classes are boring as hell.”

“I, personally, enjoyed the class you came to,” Aaron said smugly, and took a sip of his wine. When Laurens gave him a dirty look, his smile only widened. “He fell off the pole. Apparently deadlifts don’t do quite as much for your core as he assumed.”

“Fuck you.”

“Could I come?” Alexander asked. He held his breath as Aaron’s dark eyes flicked to his, searching for any sign of an ulterior motive. Alexander gulped. He didn’t have an ulterior motive; he had many ulterior motives, ranging from blackmail material to gathering enough fantasy material to last him through until summer. But whatever Aaron saw satisfied him, and he inclined his head slightly.

“There’s an introductory level class on Monday evening. I’ll book us in.”

It should have been a victory. But when he saw the smug amusement sparkling in Aaron’s eye, Alexander began to wonder if he’d misjudged.

By the time Monday rolled around, Alexander had begun to regret his request. He followed Aaron onto the subway with a shifty expression, half convinced the entire world knew what they were doing. His discomfort only grew when Aaron led him up the grimy subway stairs and out into the street. His anxiety must have shown, as when Aaron opened the door to the place, he paused and offered a small smile to Alexander.

“You’ll be fine.”

“I’m always fine,” Alexander boasted. Aaron rolled his eyes and stepped inside.

“Aaron! I thought I saw your name on the beginner’s list,” the woman behind the desk exclaimed. “If this is to get out of your advanced aerials class on Tuesday - “

“A friend of mine was curious, so I offered to bring him along,” Aaron explained. “This is Alexander Hamilton.”

The woman’s eyes lit up “ _The_ Alexander? Ooh, Maria’s going to be furious she quit to take up MMA, you know she likes to know everything.”

“Maria doesn’t need any more ammunition against me,” Aaron said. He pulled a card from his wallet and swiped through to the change room, gesturing for Alexander to follow. The woman at the desk made eye contact and winked. It left Alexander off-balance.

“You talk about me?” he asked Aaron.

“My friends here know a lot about my life, and I missed a lot of classes when,” Aaron said, then hesitated, clearly not wanting to refer directly to the accident.

“When we met,” Alexander supplied, and Aaron shrugged.

“If you like.”

Alexander considered that as they changed for class. He was fairly certain there was more than that going on; however, he also had no doubt that Aaron would make him suffer for any inappropriate questions now. Consequently, he kept his suspicions to himself.

Class itself proved far, far more difficult than Alexander had anticipated. Within fifteen minutes, he wanted to quit. Sweat poured down his back and stuck in his hair, and even the simplest moves made his core burn. Beside him, Aaron moved gracefully through each part of the workout, acting as though it was all no more difficult than a light jog.

“I’m dying,” Alexander whispered to him, twenty minutes in. Aaron only grinned, twisting and contorting his body into an elaborate upside-down variation of the pose Alexander was failing to hold. He hung upside down and said,

“It’s not that hard.”

“If you’re going to show off, Burr, you can keep that form up for the rest of the class,” the instructor called out. The grin on Aaron’s face vanished. He tried to protest, but the instructor was having none of it. For the rest of the class, she made sure to add an ‘advanced’ component to every last drill. If Alexander had not been dying himself, he would have delighted at the opportunity to watch Aaron move. While it was true the dance was not in any way sexual, Alexander could admit to himself that he’d leer at Aaron sitting on the couch eating potato chips. Watching him work and sweat would be a dream come true.

At the end of the class, Aaron slid down the pole until he sat on the ground, then sprawled out on the ground with a groan. “I’m done. I’m dying. Tell Theodosia she was right about everything. And tell Bellamy to get fucked.”

“Aaron, I can barely stand,” Alexander admitted. “I’m not in any condition to be telling anyone anything.”

“You did well,” the instructor told Alexander with a smile. She then looked down at Aaron and nudged him with her foot.

“And you. That was pathetic. You’re slacking off, letting your upper body do the work for you.”

“Please,” Aaron said, but the instructor just snorted and shook her head. With a groan, he lifted himself up into a seated position and then stood on shaking legs. He and Alexander leaned heavily on each other as they stumbled through to the change room.

“That was hard, but I don’t understand how Bellamy fell off,” Alexander admitted as they left. Looking smug, Aaron said,

“He was obnoxious, so I talked to the instructor before class. Normally they take it easy on new people.”

“That was easy?” Alexander blurted, horrified, before he considered what might have happened if they’d been pushing him. Snickering, Aaron outlined exactly what they had done to break Bellamy. He had only lasted fifteen minutes before collapsing into a heap on the ground. A wave of affection swelled up in his chest as Aaron spoke, and Alexander leaned in a little, struck by the urge to touch. He restricted himself to a light hand on Aaron’s arm. Aaron smiled up at him, the expression so warm and genuine it took Alexander’s breath away. There was still wickedness and amusement in his eyes as he explained his scheme, but there was an undeniable tenderness towards Alexander himself, too. The thought made Alexander’s heart ache. It was unfair how easy it was to love Aaron. And, he remembered with a jolt, he did love him. His heart soared at the realization, even as his brain gave several reasons this was a terrible idea. His crush had been unwelcome; his love would be even more so.

The realization, as life-altering as it was, took seconds. Aaron did not notice his distraction, continuing on with the story that Alexander had been very much enjoying. When he finished, he turned to Alexander and cocked his head slightly to one side, silently inviting comment.

“You’re an asshole,” Alexander said, but he could not keep warm affection and admiration out of his voice. From the way Aaron grinned back at him, he thought Aaron understood at least some of it.


	9. Chapter 9

Despite his obvious dislike for the decorations around the apartment, Aaron remained in a cheerful mood for the rest of December. He may have had no Christmas spirit, but he did have a fondness for mulled wine. He hated Christmas music, but when Alexander mentioned missing a certain kind of cookie that reminded him of Christmas at home, Aaron tracked down a recipe and cooked him a batch. Best of all, on very cold nights, when his guard was down, he gave in to arguments about sharing warmth and cuddled with Alexander on the couch. The first few times, it took mulled wine to get them there. Those times inevitably ended with Aaron dozing off with his head in Alexander’s lap, while Alexander read or watched television. Alexander expected it to continue to be a battle, but after the fourth time he woke up in Alexander’s lap, something in him seemed to break. He let Alexander press as close as he desired, and rarely remembered to give even a token protest. Alexander delighted in it. He wondered what had prompted the change, and how much further he could push things. There was so much he wanted. It seemed impossible that it could be so close and yet remain out of reach. But they did not kiss, and if Aaron began to flirt, he caught himself quickly and clammed up, turning cold and unwelcoming. The line they walked was a thin one, but Alexander learned to walk it with flair.

All was well until the day before Christmas Eve, when Aaron announced abruptly he would be out the next day.

“Out?” Alexander echoed, stupidly. Aaron winced.

“Family Christmas.”

“Oh,” Alexander said. He felt oddly small, as if he were a young child being scolded for a particularly childish misunderstanding. “I thought you didn’t celebrate?”

“I prefer not to. They do,” Aaron said.

“And I’m not invited?”

The words were a joke, and for half a second Alexander thought Aaron was going to laugh. Instead, all he got was a pained little smile.

“It’s better if you don’t come.”

Alexander took the hint, and did his best not to sulk. Privately, he thought he did a spectacular job of not sulking until Theodosia showed up the next day. Forgetting both manners and friendship entirely, Alexander blurted,

“What are you doing here?”

“Aaron didn’t warn you?” Theodosia asked, and then cast a venomous glance at the stairs when Alexander shook his head. “He should know better than that.”

“This is about the family Christmas, isn’t it?” Alexander asked, defeat heavy in his voice. Theodosia spared another glance at the stairs and sighed.

“I’m going to kill that man. God forbid he admit he has emotions that aren’t convenient,” she said. She paused for a second, considering something, before saying, “Aaron’s family think we’re together.”

“Oh,” Alexander said. It felt as though the floor had dropped out from underneath him. “That’s...”

“His sister is the only one who knows he’s bi, and she’s told me how relieved she is that he settled down and grew out of it,” Theodosia said. “His uncle would make life very difficult if he knew.”

Alexander frowned. He’d never even heard Aaron mention a sister before. “It sounds like his uncle’s an asshole.”

“He is. But they’re the only family Aaron has left.”

When Aaron came downstairs, he looked like a man going to a funeral. His suit was plain black and conservative, without even a pocket square to add colour, and his expression was miserable. He attempted to smile, but the expression could not hide the misery in his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Theodosia told Alexander. “I’ll bring him back in one piece.”

“Right,” Alexander said, and tried not to stare as he watched them go.

Alexander spent the day distracted and distressed. He fluctuated between concern for Aaron and deep, heart-wrenching envy. Even knowing it was fake, his stomach rolled with nausea at the idea of Theodosia holding Aaron’s hand. It was, in Alexander’s mind, entirely too plausible. Aaron made no secret of how much he adored her, and while he had given no indication of thinking about her romantically, they would make a good match. All it would take was a crook of Theodosia’s finger, and Aaron would undoubteldy run crawling to her.

After an entire day stewing in jealousy, Alexander was in a particularly foul mood when Aaron stumbled home.

“Enjoy yourself?” Alexander asked, unable to keep the bitterness out of his tone. Aaron shook his head and took the seat beside Alexander, leaning heavily against him. His breath hitched, and he buried his face in Alexander’s shoulder. Alarmed, Alexander wrapped an arm around him. He could not see Aaron's face, but he would bet his last dollar there were tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Aaron’s only answer was a wordless hum. He relaxed minute by minute, until at last Alexander heard a snore. He snorted, kicking his feet up on the sofa and shifting so Aaron lay across his chest. Sleeping on the couch wouldn’t be comfortable, but there were worse ways to spend the night.

Alexander awoke the next morning with a crick in his neck and a blanket pulled high over his shoulders. He sat up and twisted his neck left and right, grunting at the cracking sound it made. To the right, he saw Aaron nursing a cup of coffee in a maroon sweater; to the right, he saw presents under the tree. He stared, befuddled. After a few seconds, he looked back at Aaron.

“There were no presents out last night.”

“I know Christmas means a lot to you,” Aaron said, and took another sip of his coffee.

Without a word, Alexander scrambled through to his room. He came out with his arms filled with presents, so many that he dropped two of them along the way. Beaming, he said, “These are for you.”

Aaron choked on his coffee. After regaining control, he managed, “Thank you.”

The smile on Alexander’s face faded a little. Aaron did not look pleased. His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open slightly as he stared at the pile of presents. He let out a choked little sound, and his eyes darted from Alexander to the pile. His breath came in short, irregular little pants. After a few seconds, Alexander recognized the panic attack for what it was. He dashed back across to Aaron, pulling him into a hug and holding tight.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. It’s just stuff. You don’t need to be scared. Just tell me what’s happening.”

Aaron swallowed heavily. “Keep talking?”

That much, Alexander could do. He let himself ramble, discussing whatever ideas came into his head. It was a one-sided conversation, but it was a robust conversation. As he spoke, Aaron began to relax, until finally he was leaning back against Alexander as if reclining against the back of a chair. When Alexander paused for breath, he interrupted with,

“Thank you.”

“Do I get to know what that was about?” Alexander asked. Aaron hesitated, then said,

“Christmas was never a good time with my family.”

Alexander saw red. He exhaled slowly, determined not to upset Aaron further. “I really hate your family.”

Aaron let out a shaky laugh. “I can’t say I disagree.”

“What if we made it as unlike their Christmas as possible?” Alexander asked. When Aaron only looked at him in confusion, he asked, “What did Christmas morning look like?”

“My aunt would put on Christmas carols. Uncle would open a bottle of champagne, and we sat around and watched each other open presents. It was – if you didn’t have the right reaction, or you’d bought the wrong gift,” Aaron said. The more he spoke, the more uncomfortable he became, every muscle in his body tensing. He shuddered when his sentence broke off. It made no sense to Alexander, but Aaron’s distress spoke volumes.

“Okay, stop there, or I really will find him and hit him,” he said, and pulled out his phone. After scrolling through a few genres, he settled on an 80’s power ballad playlist and grinned. “Is this far enough from Christmas carols for you?”

Aaron gave a tiny, uncertain nod. Alexander beamed in response and shooed him towards the tree. “You get started. I’ll get us coffee.”

“Do you want me to wait?”

“No,” Alexander said firmly. As badly as he wanted to see Aaron’s reaction, he needed to make this as different to what Aaron remembered as he could. He hummed along with the music as he made the coffee.

By the tree, Aaron had opened two of the dozen presents Alexander had presented him with. None of the presents had been expensive, but all were things he was confident Aaron would love. When he joined him, Aaron was staring at a box of coconut scented soap with a small furrow in his brow. After several seconds without Aaron reacting, Alexander said,

“I heard you telling Theodosia how much you liked her shampoo.”

To Alexander’s horror, there were tears in Aaron’s eyes. Without a word, Aaron leaned over and pulled Alexander into a tight hug. Alexander rubbed Aaron’s back, internally panicking. When he pulled back, Aaron took a sip of his coffee and avoided Alexander’s eyes.

They spent the next fifteen minutes unwrapping their gifts. Alexander was elated by the notebooks he was given, and even more so by the large whiteboard for him to do his assignments on. Aaron, meanwhile, stared in astonishment at each little gift Alexander gave him. After he unwrapped a packet of a spice blend from his favourite shop, he put everything down and closed his eyes. Alexander bit his lip.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m grateful,” Aaron said. “It’s just a lot.”

A frown tugged on the corners of Alexander’s mouth. “Don’t Bellamy or Theodosia ever get you things?”

“They know I hate Christmas. I asked them not to,” Aaron said. He opened his eyes and gave Alexander a weak smile. “You’re the first person to make it tolerable.”

Shortly before 11 o’clock, Alexander departed for Laurens’ party. He was greeted at the door by Bellamy, who ushered him through to the kitchen and immediately set him to work peeling carrots. Laurens protested, but Bellamy insisted that of the two of them, Alexander was far more qualified to help in the kitchen. Having heard several stories from Aaron, Alexander privately agreed.

Hercules was the next to show up, and dodged conscription into the kitchen by presenting two bottles of champagne. After Hercules came three people Alexander had never met before. The last to arrive was Lafayette. To Alexander’s satisfaction, he looked no happier to see Alexander than Alexander was to see him. A smug smirk found its way onto Alexander’s face, and he raised his champagne flute in a mocking toast.

“Merry Christmas, a- amis,” he said, just barely catching himself on the word ‘asshole’.

“Alexander. I’m glad to see you’re recovering well. I was not sure what to expect when Laurens mentioned you would be attending.”

Before Alexander could say anything, Bellamy intervened in the conversation, introducing himself to Lafayette as Laurens’ partner. Lafayette jumped on the new topic of conversation. With Lafayette distracted, Alexander slipped away to find a conversation partner that he did not find so detestable. He managed to avoid him for most of the day, only to get cornered after the meal when he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air.

“Alexander, I wanted to talk to you.”

Alexander exhaled slowly. He put his hands on the metal balcony railing in front of him and squeezed it. “No. You don’t.”

“But – “

“I promised Laurens I wouldn’t start anything. Don’t make me break that promise.”

"I miss you, Alexander."

“No. You miss the other me. But he’s dead,” Alexander said. He put the full force of his will behind the words. Maybe if he spoke them loud enough, they would be the truth. “I have my own life. I don’t need ghosts from the past nagging me about what they think the real me would do.”

“You’re friends with Laurens and Hercules,” Lafayette pointed out.

“Laurens understands, and Hercules is smart enough to keep his mouth shut,” Alexander said. He turned around and met Lafayette’s eyes. “I know you miss the other me, and I want you to know that I really, really don’t care. Go ahead and hold a funeral. Burn my old books, bury my things, wear black for a week. Just don’t expect me to hold your hand while you mourn.”

Lafayette looked stricken. Without another word, Alexander pushed past him and returned inside. He made a beeline for Laurens and told him what had happened, emphasising that he had gone outside alone. He then made his excuses and left. There would undoubtedly be some kind of aftermath to deal with when Lafayette came indoors, and Alexander wanted no part of it.

He found Aaron on the couch when he returned home, curled up under a blanket with a novel Alexander had given him. He smiled when Alexander came in.

“You’re home early.”

“Not all the guests wanted me there,” Alexander said. He sprawled out on the couch beside Aaron, letting his head rest in his lap. “They wanted the old me.”

The smile on Aaron’s face faded. “I thought Laurens said he’d spoken to the guests.”

“Didn’t stop them,” Alexander said, and rolled onto his side. “They’re dumb. I’m not a ghost.”

“They’re human,” Aaron said, with far too much sympathy for Alexander’s liking. He glared up at him and saw a rueful little twist appear in Aaron’s mouth. “If you ever do remember, I’m sure you’ll say much the same thing about me.”

“Never,” Alexander insisted. “I won’t forget this. I won’t forget how I feel about you.”

Aaron looked away, his lips twisting into a rueful little smile. “Neither will I.”

The conversation lapsed after that. They had wandered deeper into emotional territory than either of them were comfortable with, and the easiest way to get back out was to simply wait it out. Alexander’s phone buzzed a few times, but he ignored it. After a while, Aaron’s phone went off instead. Unlike Alexander, he checked his messages immediately. 

“Laurens wants to know if you’re okay. Can I tell him you made it home in one piece?”

Alexander nodded, and Aaron returned his attention to his phone.

The next few days passed in a pleasant haze. With Aaron’s old job finished and new job not starting until the new year, Alexander found himself blessed with Aaron’s complete and undivided attention. He reveled in it, demanding his attention and affection at all hours of the day. To his delight, Aaron indulged him. No matter how obnoxious he was (and Alexander had enough self awareness to know that he was, at least some of the time, obnoxious), Aaron answered him with a smile and gentle affection. It was enough to make Alexander’s head spin. Aaron’s attention was better than any drug, and Alexander wanted nothing more than to obtain it for good.

It was this kind of thought swirling through Alexander’s head late on New Year’s Eve. The party, hosted again by Laurens, was in full swing as midnight approached. A pleasant buzz hummed in Alexander’s veins, his muscles and thoughts loose from the bottle of wine he had finished single-handedly.

Shortly before midnight, he saw Aaron slip outside onto the balcony. Alexander followed him without thinking twice about it. 

“You come here often?”

Aaron snorted and turned to him with a smile. “I just needed some fresh air. It’s a lot in there.”

“Just us out here,” Alexander said, and stepped a little closer. Inside, a countdown started. Alexander stepped closer again, and again Aaron allowed him to.

When the countdown reached its crescendo, Alexander closed the last gap between them and kissed him. Cheers erupted from inside and out on the street. The sound of fireworks filled Alexander’s ears, and he relished the soft press of Aaron’s lips against his own. When Aaron pulled back, Alexander reached up and put a single finger over his lips.

“Don’t say ‘no’. Don’t start the year off with rejecting me, just give me this.”

Aaron’s expression pulled together in exquisite pain, before abruptly easing into something gentler.

“Just this,” he murmured, and kissed Alexander again. Alexander did not hesitate, pressing the length of his body against Aaron and cupping his cheek with one hand. He pressed forward, trapping Aaron against the balcony. He poured all his love and hunger and lust into the kiss, determined that if this was his one chance, then he would make it a kiss worth remembering. When he pulled back, Aaron’s eyes were dilated and fixed on Alexander’s mouth.

“Alexander - “

Alexander kissed him again, and then a fourth time. They did not stop until they heard the balcony door creak open. They jumped apart, Alexander smoothing his hair, Aaron turning his face away looking ashamed.

“That’s enough, you two,” Laurens said, and Alexander stared at him with his mouth open. Laurens knew how he felt, he knew how desperately Alexander wanted this. Before he could complain, Laurens held up a hand.

“You’re both drunk, and I know at least one of you will regret this in the morning.”

“We won’t,” Alexander insisted hotly, but to his right, Aaron gave a shaky nod. He thanked Laurens and slipped away, leaving Alexander and Laurens alone on the balcony. Alexander glared at him, making no attempt to keep the anger and hatred out of his gaze.

“Fuck you.”

“If you’re going to make a move, this isn’t the time,” Laurens told him. “Unless you want him to wake up disgusted by what you did.”

The words were like ice dumped down the back of Alexander’s shirt. “Leave me alone.”

And, in possibly the cruelest act so far, Laurens did.

By the time Alexander returned to the party, Aaron had left. Alexander followed, but by the time he got home, Aaron had locked himself in the bedroom. He did not see him until the next morning, when Aaron greeted him with a mug of coffee and a guilty look on his face.

“I owe you an apology.”

“Oh, you think?” Alexander asked, arching an eyebrow. “You didn’t even leave me a message, I had to find out you’d gone home from Bellamy.”

“That, too,” Aaron winced. “But I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I wanted it.”

“I know,” Aaron said. He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. After a moment, he lowered his hands and looked Alexander in the eyes. “I still shouldn’t have done it.”

“Why not?” Alexander wanted to know. “If I want it, and you want it, why can’t we - “

“It feels like taking advantage,” Aaron said. It was an interruption, but he spoke quietly. Alexander stared at him, flabbergasted. Aaron continued,

“I know you don’t like people prioritizing the old you, but that doesn’t change that there’s nearly a decade of history between us you don’t remember. And in the last few years of that, you hated me. You’d be horrified to think we’d been together. I can’t, in good conscience, allow that.”

It felt as if Aaron had pulled the run out from under him. The life Alexander had built for himself began to fall to pieces, all for the sake of his stupid, selfish past self. He stood frozen, nauseated at the very thought.

“Sooner or later, you’re going to remember everything. I’m already going to lose one of my best friends when that happens. I can’t lose my partner as well.”

Something in Alexander snapped. He snarled, slamming his fist down on the counter in front of him. “You’re a coward.”

A bitter smile twisted across Aaron’s lips. “So you’ve said.”

“We don’t even know that I will remember. What happens then? How long will it take before you listen to what I want?”

Aaron hesitated. “If it comes to that, if the doctors say your memories even are gone, I’d be willing to reconsider. But as things stand, trying this can only hurt us.”

Alexander stared at him for several seconds. He then turned on his heel and left without a word, only pausing to pick up his coat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd apologize but I'm not sorry


	10. Chapter 10

The next day, Alexander made arrangements to move out. He packed his clothes and books into suitcases and boxes and convinced Laurens to help him resettle in his old apartment.

The apartment was nothing like the home he was used to. The lift in his apartment building was tiny and cramped, rattling as it took him from the ground floor up to the top level of the four-story building. Alexander’s apartment was at the back. The kitchen was tiny, scarcely large enough to cook anything more complicated than scrambled eggs. The living area was filled with a desk and chair rather than couches, and the entire place was decorated with a modern, industrial aesthetic. His bedroom was tiny, but the wardrobe was huge, filled with rack after rack of black and navy suits. The bed itself was set by a high window, so far above the ground that one needed a ladder to reach it. The space beneath the bed held a small couch, the only concession for comfort in the entire apartment. 

As soon as Laurens left, Alexander began redecorating. He hung his whiteboard up in the living room, and threw out several stylish but ultimately useless pieces of furniture. He replaced the stacks of legal documents on the desk with his mathematics textbooks and swapped out the photos on the desk for people he actually knew. The black suits got shoved to the very back of his wardrobe, replaced by the clothes he wore daily. But despite the changes, the space did not feel like home.

Over the next two months, Alexander tried to settle into his apartment. No matter what he tried, he could not bring himself to relax. The only time he felt at home was on Thursday nights, when he attended Aaron’s weekly dinner parties. Despite their fight, they did not drift away from each other entirely. Alexander would have given anything to go back to the way things had been, but failing that, he accepted every scrap of affection Aaron threw his way.

By the time March rolled around, Alexander was at his wits end. He felt as if he was coming apart at the seems. The wreckage of two lives (one before the accident, one with Aaron) surrounded him, and he did not know how to build a third out of the debris. It seemed hopeless. He texted Laurens to complain, expecting to be ignored, but to his surprise, Laurens cancelled his plans and invited himself over. With Alexander’s permission, he invited a few more friends to Alexander’s place for a movie night. They may not be able to fix the problem, but they could at least distract him for a few hours. He met Laurens at the supermarket to buy snacks. As soon as Laurens dismounted his bike and walked over to him, he frowned.

“Alexander, full offence, but you look like shit.”

Alexander let out a hollow sounding laugh. “I feel like shit.”

He leaned heavily against the shopping trolley as they wound their way up and down the aisles, debating the merits of one brand of popcorn over the other. They fell into their usual banter within minutes. The familiarity and implicit affection in it warmed Alexander’s heart. For the first time in days, his mood began to lift. He paid more attention to the discussion, noticed more of the world around him, and walked with his head a little higher. When they passed the crisps, Laurens tossed a bag of salt and vinegar in without comment.

“Better get plain, too, you know how Laff is about salt and vinegar,” Alexander said. Laurens went very still. He turned to face Alexander with wide eyes and stared at him. A moment later, Alexander’s eyes widened.

“Laffayette hates salt and vinegar. Eliza and I dated for three months before she realized she was a lesbian. Hercules hates 2015 fashion trends and watches the Bachelor and Angelica pretends to hate romance but her favourite book is Pride and Prejudice.”

Another beat passed, and Alexander’s jaw dropped in horror.

“I told Washington to go fuck himself.”

He leaned against the trolley once more, his head spinning. He could not say when he had remembered. The knowledge was simply there, like it had always been, right beside the memories of his life since the accident. He looked up at Laurens with a grin on his face, then stepped forward and pulled him into a tight hug. His best friend, twice over. At least he’d gotten some things right.

“You remember.”

“I remember,” Alexander agreed. He pulled back and grabbed his phone, frantically typing a message. “I need to apologize to Washington. And Laffayette. And - “

He paused, nearly dropping his phone. With a new intensity in his voice, he said, “Burr.”

The smile on Laurens’ face faded a little. “Aaron’s my friend, Alexander. Don’t go too hard on him.”

A hysterical laugh bubbled up from Alexander’s chest. He abandoned the trolley, making a beeline for the exit. “I need to see him.”

“Alexander - “

“If he hears about this from anyone else, he’ll think I hate him,” Alexander said. Laurens jogged at his heels, but Alexander did not slow or pause to make conversation easier. His entire life experience of Aaron played before his mind, blending and harmonising the months since the accident with the years before. How had he not seen it? Aaron wasn’t a coward, he was cautious, clever. He wasn’t amoral, but frustratingly _moral_ , refusing to lay a hand on Alexander for fear he might not want it. He was uptight and evasive and arrogant and so kind and witty that Alexander could not help but love him. Even with all their old arguments back in his head, he could not bring himself to feel a drop of resentment for Aaron.

“Alexander, please, just wait a minute.”

“I can’t,” Alexander said. He came to an abrupt stop outside the supermarket, turning and staring at Laurens with wild eyes. “I love him, Laurens, and I need to tell him that.”

“Oh,” Laurens said, and his shoulders dropped as tension eased from his body. “I thought you wanted to start a fight.”

“Will you give me a ride?”

Laurens nodded, and Alexander climbed onto the back of his motorbike. He slapped Laurens on the back and jogged from the footpath to the door. He let himself in, having never bothered to return the key, and marched into the open living space like a man on a sacred mission. Aaron stood when he heard footsteps in the hall. He turned to face Alexander with confusion on his face. Instead of a proper greeting, Alexander pressed him up against the wall and kissed him. Aaron made a startled noise and pushed on his chest.

“Alexander!”

“I remember,” Alexander said, staring into Aaron’s eyes. “I remember every fucking argument we ever had, and I remember how damn annoying you are when you’re asked about politics in the office, and I remember lying on the couch with you for hours, because I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I remember everything, and I love you.”

He kissed him again. After a few seconds, he realized with a horrifying lurch that Aaron was not kissing back. He pulled away. Aaron stared at him in open shock. After a few seconds, he cleared his throat and put his hands lightly on Alexander’s biceps.

“Alexander,” he started. His tone was gentle and pitying and made Alexander's blood boil. Panicking, he interrupted with an emphatic,

“No. No, you can’t say ‘no’ now, I remember, you can’t.”

“Alexander,” Aaron repeated, and this time he managed a small smile. Somehow, the smile only brought attention to the crease in his brow and unshed tears in his eyes. “I loved you so much. There aren’t words to say how much I care about you. But that’s new. I never loved you before, and I don’t know if I could have. You've got your memories back, and I ought to be happy for you, but I can't be. The Alexander I fell in love with is gone.”

Alexander felt as if he’d been sucker-punched. “I’m still me.”

“Forgive me, but you were quite adamant you weren’t.”

“Let me prove it,” Alexander said, desperate. He put a hand on Aaron’s cheek and tried not to cling to his shirt. He had thought everything he wanted was within arms reach, only to have it wrenched away from him once more. “Please. Let me take you out. You’ll see, I promise.”

Aaron hesitated, before he gave a small nod. “We can try.”

Feeling shaky, Alexander took a step back. It wouldn’t do to crowd Aaron, not while he was still processing the news. He waved off Aaron’s offer of coffee, explaining that there were other people he needed to speak with. They made an agreement to get dinner the following week.

“How did it go?” Laurens asked, when Alexander stepped outside. Alexander exhaled slowly. When he spoke, his voice was flat, and he stared at the ground.

“Well. He’s letting me take him out for dinner.”

Laurens’ brow pulled together, and he stared at Alexander in obvious confusion. “What do you mean? He’s been pining after you for months.”

“He has?” Alexander asked. Laurens nodded and pulled out his phone. He showed him several messages from Bellamy complaining about Aaron mooning over Alexander, often for no good reason. The messages sparked a new hope in Alexander’s heart. He could do this. He would win Aaron over. He would win his heart and take him to bed and keep him forever. All he had to do was plan the perfect date. He fixated on the idea. If he could get this right, make it romantic enough, prove he knew and loved Aaron, then surely Aaron couldn’t reject him. 

With several days left before his date, Alexander set about rebuilding the bridges he had burned since the accident. There were, of course, endless medical appointments, but between those, he had plenty of time to try and salvage his relationships. He started with Lafayette. To his immense surprise, Lafayette forgave him immediately.

“You were not yourself.”

“I was,” Alexander shook his head. “I knew exactly what I was doing. It’s a habit of mine, I’ve noticed, to develop unprecedented enmity when I lack sufficient information.”

“You’re thinking about Washington,” Lafayette said, and Alexander winced.

“He fits the pattern, yes. But I was thinking of cases before the accident.”

Lafayette gave him a long look, and then his face fell. “Alexander, please tell me you do not mean little Burr.”

“He’s less than two inches shorter than me,” Alexander protested, which said enough. He’d once been one of the many people to delight in teasing Aaron about his height and youthful good looks. Even before he’d enjoyed upsetting Aaron, he’d never cared enough to defend him. But now the thought of Aaron’s smile going stiff and formal and false made something unpleasant twist in his gut. Even if he ended up rejecting Alexander, he would never go back to mocking him

Something in his face made Lafayette sigh, and he patted Alexander on the shoulder. “I suppose I will learn to live with the man.”

“Ideally, I’ll be the one living with him,” Alexander said with a wink, and from there the conversation slipped into their old banter. When the conversation ended, he left with a spring in his step. One reunion down, one to go. 

He called Washington soon after leaving Lafayette’s place. A lump caught in his throat at the sound of Washington’s voice.

“Sir, can we meet somewhere? I’d like to talk.”

They agreed to meet at Washington’s penthouse apartment. When he tried to give directions, Alexander interrupted and said,

“I know the way.”

There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. “Son - “

“I’ll see you soon.”

He let himself into the apartment building, greeting the security guard with a cheerful smile and punching in the code to the elevator. The elevator opened directly into the apartment, which itself spanned the top three floors of the skyscraper. Washington turned as soon as he heard the doors slide open. Alexander stepped out with his head held high.

“Sir. I wanted to apologize for my behaviour the past few months.”

“How much do you remember?” Washington asked.

“Everything, sir,” Alexander said. A moment later, unable to hold back his curiosity, he asked, “How did the Murchinson case work out? And - “

“You do remember,” Washington said. He stepped forward, hesitated, and Alexander took the hint. He hugged him, hoping the gesture would soothe any lingering fears he had. 

“It’s good to have you back.”

“I was never really gone,” Alexander told him. “I was still myself, just working with faulty data.”

“I wonder where you got that from,” Washington said, and Alexander bristled.

“Sir, I think it would be prudent to let you know I have not lost all my new opinions. Nor have I reverted to who I was before the accident. There are certain changes I intend to keep. I started a degree I intend to finish, part-time; I made several friends whom I still hold dear; and my opinion of Mr Burr is quite the opposite of what you remember. I think he and I are more alike than you realize.”

“Burr can’t be trusted.”

The words were blunt, and Alexander saw red. He paced up and down, extolling Aaron’s virtues both as a person and as an employee. He took special care to highlight how careful Aaron had been regarding his opinion of Washington. It was only when Alexander’s opinion had been set in stone that he had began to open up about his justified dislike. Consequently, he could not be blamed for Alexander’s opinion. It took him several minutes to work through the list, because there was no shortage of attributes to praise. At length, he concluded,

“But, that said, I am glad he has found different employment. Office romances never work well, and I’m taking him out for dinner on Tuesday.”

Alexander lifted his chin a little in a gesture of defiance, daring Washington to challenge him. He did not, and after some discussion, they agreed it was a topic best avoided. Washington would not voice any further complaints,and Alexander would keep his pining private. 

They spent several hours talking after that, catching up on what had been happening in the other’s lives. There were times when the conversation turned awkward, and Alexander found himself running into a conflict between his two lived experiences; but, for the most part, Alexander was simply glad to reunite with a dear friend. There was plenty of work to discuss, too. Not only had Alexander missed several important cases, he would need to restart his network. And, to Washington’s surprise, he negotiated a part-time contract, so that he could spend a little time each week pursuing his studies. 

With reunions sorted, Alexander turned his mind to wooing Aaron. He booked a table for two at his favourite restaurant and bought tickets to a play at a local theatre. On his way to pick Aaron up, he stopped by a florist and bought the most expensive bouquet they had.

At the door, he had his key halfway to the door before deciding letting himself in was sending the wrong message. He knocked, and waited for Aaron to answer the door. When he did, Alexander could not help but smirk when he noticed Aaron had chosen Alexander’s favourite suit.

“You look incredible,” he said, handing the flowers over with a sly smile. Aaron took a moment to put the flowers away before joining Alexander.

Despite his pleasure at having Aaron by his side once more, Alexander spent the entire night on edge. He watched every word he said, determined to prove to Aaron that he was someone Aaron could love. He managed all through the play and through most of the main course. Not once did he disagree with Aaron, complain, or start a fight. Despite his best efforts, he could not shake the feeling that something was going wrong. Aaron was polite, of course, dreadfully so. He smiled and nodded at Alexander’s comments, but not once did Alexander hear the rush of enthusiasm in his voice that accompanied a good conversation. It was like talking with a stranger.

It was not until they were waiting for dessert that his patience snapped, and he disagreed with Aaron without thinking twice. He set out his argument plainly and looked expectantly at Aaron, daring him to argue or complain about Alexander’s response. What he did not expect to see was Aaron’s dark eyes filled with warmth.

“There’s my Alexander,” he murmured, and reached out to take Alexander’s hand. Alexander’s head spun. It hadn’t occurred to him that Aaron might like bickering as much as Alexander did. He tentatively raised a new topic for debate, and Aaron jumped on it with a smile.

After the meal, they decided to walk to Aaron’s house. They argued as they did so, but now, Alexander could only take it as a good sign. Aaron laughed and grimaced and hung on Alexander’s every word, just the way Alexander listened to everything he said. They held hands as they walked, and after some time Aaron pressed close enough that they bumped against each other as they walked.

Once back at Aaron’s place, Alexander kissed Aaron’s cheek. “Can we do this again?”

“I don’t think I said anything about letting you leave already,” Aaron grinned, and kissed him. They stumbled inside, Alexander trying to get his hands on as much of Aaron’s body as possible. When he found himself pressed up against the front door, he paused to touch Aaron’s cheek.

“You want this?”

“You were right. You’re not exactly the way you were, but you’re still the man I fell in love with.”

Alexander’s chest filled with love at the words. He kissed Aaron, this time content in the knowledge that this was just the first of many to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a ride, y'all. This is my last hamburr fic. I hope you've enjoyed my contributions to the fandom.


End file.
